Get A Move On!

October 1, 2010 at 10:00 am 5 comments

One of the advantages of working from home is that you can be flexible around when you take your breaks and do your chores (another is walnut and date cake with your mug of tea)……

So, having got up early to handle a number of ridiculous emails from the Dementors that I work with, I decided to hit Waitrose at opening time and buy a few things before returning for back to back telcons. Don’t you just love Fridays? This is work’s way of trying to remind you that weekends are a reward, rather than a right.

What I had failed to factor in to my plan to “just nip out” was that it would coincide with a) the school run, b) peak hour for oldies, and, c) it was in the middle of a gale and a rain storm (we seem to be having weather similar to that at Celtic Manor and the Ryder Cup). Consequently, I soon became frustrated and soaked through.

The school run:

schoolrun_1349726cWhy is it that most moms (for it IS mostly moms, round here at least) are simply incapable of delivering their children to school and drive normally at the same time. I thought this was the sex that COULD multi-task? Or does this capacity diminish during the period of “nappy headiness” (when all young moms become suddenly blonde…..). Now I know that I cannot imagine how stressful it must be trying to get young children up and out in a morning……..

WAIT A MINUTE, I CAN imagine it. I was a child once. And, I seem to remember that school mornings were regimented and orderly. When I was at junior school, I would get up and breakfast with my sister and we (without parental supervision) would walk – together with two or three other kids that we would collect on the way – the mile and a half or so to our school, in all weathers. When I was at grammar school, I would get up before my parents, and catch two buses, on my own, to cross the busy city of Birmingham. Please note that my journey to school involved Shanks’ Pony and public transport. So, why are all these Cheshire yummy mummies driving (I use the word in its loosest context) in their Cheshire tractors (SUVs), blocking the roads for those of us in a hurry.

They drive, well, badly, and, are prone to erratic manoeuvres without signalling. This is because, they cannot see over the bonnet of their seven seater Porsche Cayennes and Range Rovers; they are too busy checking their sunglasses in the rear mirror (IT IS AS DARK AS ARMAGEDDON OUT THERE!), they are singing along to Radio two, and trying to restrain Algernon, Isabella and a dog called Buffy. Despite the fact that they are driving off-roaders they manage to take as much as possible of the road up when parking to drop their little lovelies off outside their private prep schools. And, instead of hurrying back off to get on with their housework or home course in interior design, they choose to socialize and chat with all the other yummy mummies. Presumably, they are discussing when they will meet at the gym, the spa, or “do lunch” in Wilmslow or Alderley Edge. GET A MOVE ON!

Old People

Personally I think that old people should be subject to a curfew. They should be required to stay indoors at times when the working and able-bodied wish to make use of the roads, post offices, banks, and supermarkets. After all, they do have all  day to do whatever they have to do. But, oh no. Your average oldie seems intent on getting up early, donning flat cap or headscarf, and hobbling into the big, bad world. Now, I know I will get old one day (and sooner than I would care too) but really! Why do they have to get into their cars and drive to the bank, the post office, the library, the doctors, the hospital, and Waitrose in Sandbach in the middle of the bloody rush hour/school run!?!?

They drive, well, badly, and, are prone to erratic manoeuvres without signalling. This is because, they cannot see over the bonnet of their Corsas or Skoda; they are too busy sucking on the travel sweets they keep in a little tin in the glove box; they have the reaction  speed of a yummy mummy on the school run; they have become afraid of speed; and, they have forgotten where they were meant to be going to. It was close to grid lock out there.

Today it was particularly bad. It was a mistake to attempt to “nip out” at the start of the day. Today I got stuck behind an old man in a small car with a hybrid engine. He was wearing a flat cap. There was a small dog asleep on the parcel shelf in the rear window, next to the box of tissues strategically located for any rear seat passengers bored to tears through lack of progress. His vehicle was adorned with the fish symbol of the Christian faith (why? We would soon complain if Islamic fundamentalists started decorating their vehicles!), a message that God loved me, and, a declaration that the “driver” was sponsoring a donkey! Why is it that aged Christian animal lovers can’t drive?! He “proceeded” at a steady twenty miles per hour in a sixty and forty mile zone. GET OUT OF MY WAY! He may just as well have been on a mobility scooter……


Yes it was raining when I left and yes the wind had brought every conker down from the trees, but, I only had to dash to the car and then from the car in a near empty Waitrose car park to the store and back again. But no. When I arrived at the (under shelter) cash point at Waitrose it was out-of-order. It said “Machine Out of Order”. This was annoying because I had seen the engineer there just yesterday. It then went on to declare “If this machine swallows your card do not enter your PIN”. Surely, most people would not be stupid enough to put their cards into a machine that was out-of-order? But, at least the sign made more sense of the fact that the machine was still out-of-order. Knowing a little about card fraud, I suspect that Waitrose Sandbach had been targeted by a skimming device; a Nigerian loop or similar….

But, it also meant that I had to schlep half way across Sandbach in the lashing rain to get money out of an alternative machine.

I was not happy. I was frustrated and soaked.

Entry filed under: middleman. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

RIP Tony Curtis Who’s the Whore Now Wayne?

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. thedailydish  |  October 16, 2010 at 6:30 pm

    Thank you for the laugh, though I must take offense at the description of “all young moms becom[ing] suddenly blonde…”


    • 2. Middle Man  |  October 18, 2010 at 9:28 am

      Thanks for popping in and leaving a comment……I’m only teasing about the blonde thing 😉


      • 3. thedailydish  |  October 18, 2010 at 1:13 pm

        Yes, I suspected as much.. You are very witty otherwise, so I’m going to let it slide. This time.


  • 4. Kez  |  November 26, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    Thanks for visiting my blog! May your future ventures out into the wide world be easier!


  • 5. dannyllama  |  December 8, 2010 at 11:39 am

    I recall seeing one elderly driver, who seemed to have offended a witch doctor in his earlier days. He was wearing a flat cap and lenses so thick that Benny Hill would be proud (God rest his smutty soul).

    He was on eye level with the top of the steering wheel. Considering that his field of vision must have been minute, and the vehicle he was driving was a Lexus GS…I didn’t feel safe on the pavement let alone as a fellow road user.



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