Posts tagged ‘wayne rooney’
A Tale of Two Weddings
Cover via Amazon
I have just spent the last couple of days at one of Cheshire’s premier hotels. I won’t name it because the people that I saw there were, frankly, terrifying…….Suffice to say that Take That we’re regular visitors there back in the day and, Wayne Rooney is a near neighbour.
I was there for a wedding – thankfully at a different venue, and, with a VERY different party. The contrast between the two could not have been starker. One was classy, under-stated, charming, moving and fuelled by fine wine, champagne and real ale; the other was the, well, the opposite and fuelled by house wine, vodka (smuggled in by the guests rather than bought by the bar), Botox and Boddingtons. It was not quite Big Fat Gypsy Wedding but it was TOWIE meets the Umpa Lumpas…with a Manchester accent.
Now, I admit that I was sat in the bar having a drink to calm my nerves when the Others (guests of the other wedding) started to arrive, but I do not believe that my couple of pints of Stella influenced my first impressions. I was calming my nerves because I was making the “Father of the Bride” speech and walking my sister-in-law down the aisle later that afternoon.
But, soon, the peace and quiet of my oak panelled respite was shattered. Soon the Others began to arrive. The two different families were easily spotted. On the groom’s side, the men favoured the “Vinnie Jones” look – all shaved heads, square jaws, and puffed out chests; on the bride’s side, the men looked as if they had walked out of Oasis, and went to the same hairdresser as Paul Weller.
On the bride’s side, the women were tall, very tall. And, it was not just the six-inch heels that they were tottering on (to the point of falling) that made them tall. They were physically tall. Six footers to a (cross dressing) man, with legs that went on forever. Their heels were as tall as their skirts and dresses were short. My companions and I were slumped into leather arm chairs and had to avert our eyes on many an occasion to avoid glimpses of thongs, or worse. Now, to be fair, not all of the outfits were short. Some of the leggy girls favoured flared cat suit type trousers. But even they had chosen transparent fabric to show their underwear, or lack thereof, off to its best……
The female guests on the groom’s side were, well, a little more rotund. But, they were no less backward in their desire to display what they had.
The Arndale Centre must have been empty on Friday. Stocks of Botox and self-tanning products must now be at an all time low in the department stores of South Manchester. Some serious restocking of fascinators, false eyelashes and nails across Greater Manchester will be required before the Spring wedding rush.
I joke not. One of my party had to come to the rescue one of the leggy number after she had dropped her handbag. Her skirt was so tight that she could not bend enough to retrieve the bag. Even if she had been able to bend, the height of her heels would still have left her several inches short of being able to pick the bag up.
The blokes all sported pint glasses, attitude, and shiny grey suits. There were many complaints about the cost of the beer and wine on offer in the bar.
The tall bride, resplendent in her feather strewn dress – she looked as if the final act of Swan Lake was about to be performed – was accompanied by an entourage of tall bridesmaid’s in black and an Alsatian (I joke you not) in a tutu…….
It was hard to tell whether the official photographers had been provided by Cheshire Life or Channel Four. It was Madchester at its best.
Our wedding was somewhat different……
Who’s the Whore Now Wayne?
Image via Wikipedia
How stupid and greedy is Wayne Rooney? It is almost a rhetorical question. The phrase “Doing a Rooney” should enter the language for someone who displays the pinnacle of greediness and stupidity.
The twenty-four year old Manchester United striker (an apt phrase at the moment it would seem – he would be at home with those other muppets manning the barricades on the streets of Paris in protest to the increase in pensionable age) seems to have done his utmost to destroy his marriage and his popularity in one single stroke, in pursuit of money, money, money.
Now Wayne is no oil painting. He was already clearly batting above his average when he managed to land the easy on the eye (if not on the ear), Coleen. I suspect that the relationship was strained when he, allegedly, punched Coleen in the face at the former Brasingamen’s night club in Alderley Edge. I suspect it was further strained by his use of sex worker and grandmother Patricia Tierney (then 48 to his 16 years). But, how Coleen could forgive him his latest faux pas with prostitute Jennifer Thomson, on numerous occasions, while Coleen was pregnant. Well, at least this time he got a looker……..
How naive would you have to be not to worry about the possibility that a woman who is prepared to sell her body for money – and to be fair you’d probably want to be paid for having sex with Mr Potato Head – wouldn’t consider selling her story to the tabloid press.
So, Wayne gets caught with his pants down and suffers a dip in his form (football wise that is), contributes to the debacle of England’s 2010 world cup failure, and sits out a few games on the Manchester United bench. Sir Alex Ferguson, gives him a couple of weeks off to rescue his marriage, using the excuse of an injured ankle (we now know his dip in form was probably due to Coleen kicking him in th e balls on regular occasions), and our chief muppet then denies the injury and criticises the football club that has made him a fortune and a household name.
Now I am sure that the rather dodgy agent Paul Stretford is pulling Wayne’s strings somewhat – certainly our Wayne didn’t pen the rather erudite statement as to his reasons for wanting to leave Manchester (MONEY) – but I have no sympathy for Rooney at all. I hope that Fergie makes him sit on the bench and play in the reserves for the duration of his contract. And I hope that Coleen continues to kick him in the balls…….
I think the posters at United’s last game were very apt – “Who’s the whore now Wayne?” and “Coleen forgave you. We won’t”.
Related Articles
- Man Utd fans tell Rooney: Coleen forgave you, we won’t (tribalfootball.com)
Which is Worst?
Which of these do you think is acceptable?
1) Fury at mum on £100k a year benefit:
Britain’s benefits shambles was exposed last night by the case of a mother-of-six who receives £7,000 a month of taxpayers’ cash to live in a £2million mansion.
Critics hit out at the Government for overseeing a system that entitles jobless Essma Marjan to claim almost £100,000 a year in housing benefit and other free handouts.
The money allows her to live in a plush five-bedroom villa in a desirable part of London, close to the home of Sir Paul McCartney.The 34-year-old single mother says she was forced to move after the birth of her five-month-old son meant her previous home was too small for her growing brood.
She even moaned: “The house is lovely and very big but I don’t have enough furniture to fill it.”
2) EuroMillions Lottery: Britain’s biggest winners celebrate £56 million jackpot
Nigel Page and his partner Justine Laycock have celebrated winning a record-breaking £56 million in the EuroMillions Lottery draw.
3) Wayne Rooney
Wayne Rooney’s Manchester United contract is being investigated by the taxman after court documents revealed he earns £1.52million in image rights, a device the HM Revenue & Customs claim is a dodge engineered by football clubs.
United have already admitted deals struck since 2005 are being probed, meaning Rooney’s annual £6.2m salary, revealed in the court case brought by his former agents, will be one of those under scrutiny.
4) Bankers’ Bonuses
Barclays will pay its bankers £1.5 billion in discretionary cash bonuses this year and another £1.2 billion in long-term bonuses over the next three years.
Am I the only mug who works hard for what he has and pays his taxes?
Celebrity Spotting Part 2
Z List
Many B, C and Z list celebrities live in the Wilmslow area of Cheshire. It is the land of Coronation Street stars and Manchester United players. And, they all seem to shop at Sainsburys. Or at least they did before the arrival of Waitrose a couple of years ago.
Ken Barlow (Bill Roache) used to live around the corner from us in Alderley Edge and was a regular in the corner shop. As indeed was Steve McDonald (Simon Gregson) – “allegedly” often pissed and buying alcohol. Jim McDonald/Charles Lawson (his screen dad), another alleged alki, Samia (sigh) Smith who plays Maria Sutherland, and Denise Welch (Natalie Barnes now a Loose Woman) are also Sainsburys regulars. Also, Brian McClair of Manchester United. In hidsight there could be a bit of an alcohol issue going on in Wilmslow.
I once saw Cristiano Ronaldo in there (Sainsburys). It was before the world cup (2006) so Ronaldo was still popular then. He was with his brother and his dad. He was clearly buying stuff for a family bbq. He was swamped by youngsters seeking autographs. He was very patient and took it all in his stride and I remember thinking “what a nice bloke”. But, I will never forgive him for getting Rooney sent off!
In fact Wayne Rooney has also moved into the area, and lowered the tone. Apparently he is now a regular in Brasingamens, the Braz, being a club in Alderley Edge (Bolliwood!), where, allegedly, he once punched his girlfriend, Coleen McLoughlin. It would seem that Wayne is often to be found partying with other Scousers, and that the potential WAG factor has begun to attract the ladies of Liverpool to this part of Cheshire on a Friday and Saturday night in search of a potential footballing hubby.
Well, denim mini skirts, see-through tops, pierced navels, and white stilettos have not gone down too well with the ladies who lunch of Wilmslow and Alderley Edge. I know who I’d back in a fight though. And, be careful where you park your car at the weekend…..
I even saw Liam Gallagher (of Oasis) and his then wife Patsy Kensit in Sainsburys. That caused a stir. You don’t get many Man City fans in Wilmslow! Not with all those shops selling prawn sandwiches. I like Patsy Kensit. In fact I have loved Patsy Kensit ever since she starred in the Birds Eye Peas adverts, starting in 1972. Those big blue eyes. That blonde hair. Mother wouldn’t approve.
I gave up my chair once for Barbara Knox who plays Rita Fairclough/Sullivan. It was in the business lounge of Manchester Airport. The cast was assembling there en route for one of those holiday specials in Ibiza or Majorca or some such place. You know, “the Street goes on holiday and it all ends in disaster” special.
Airports in general are a very good place for hob-nobbing with stars…..I bumped into the Edge (U2), literally, in the lounge at Heathrow. I followed Anneka Rice’s bottom (nice) up the stairs to a plane. I stood next to Alex Furgusson and Craig Brown (then Scotland Manager) on the tarmac at Heathrow as we tried to find our baggage after it had been turfed off a broken-down plane. I once sat next to Willy Thorne and his snooker cue on a plane to Amsterdam. He was a very nice guy, sociable, if a bit obsessive about his cue.
Most bizarrely, C and I once sat at a table next to Jason Orange of Take That in the Swan public house in Wybunbury, in darkest Cheshire. This was in the wilderness years between the demise and rebirth. He was just like any other normal bloke out for a drink and Sunday meal with the family.
C and I sat next to Jane Danson (Leanne Battersby of Corrie) when she was having a girls’ night out, in Pizza Express in Wilmslow. In fact, we were once in there at the same time as Dwight Yorke, when he was still a Birmingham City player. I didn’t pester him for an autograph though. We once queued next to Sinbad from Brookside in the big Ikea at Warrington. I sat next to Frank Finlay (star of Bouquet of Barbed Wire – TV incest in 1976) on the Northern Line tube. Twice. On separate occasions.
Related articles
- Denise Welch And Toy Boy Lincoln Townley Enjoy Valentine’s Day Just One Day After Heat Attack Scare (lukewilliamsgossip.wordpress.com)
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