Posts tagged ‘carol kirkwood’
And so, those more-easy-on-the eye news reporters have left their lurid sofas in the studio to speak to us, in light floral Jersey dresses or stripy shorts, from venues such as Centre Court or the banks of the Thames.
Headlines about the weather, railway lines buckling in the heat, penguins having to be sprayed with water in zoos across the nation, and the latest British tennis player to crash out in the first round have usurped those of the worst terrorist atrocity against the British people since 7/7 and the fact that we will soon be swamped with economic migrants from Greece.
We will be regaled with “useful” information such as places that the UK is currently hotter than, and how we must at all costs never step directly into sunlight or we will immediately burn and develop some mortal disease unless the pollen doesn’t get us first.
The internet will be overwhelmed with searches such as “Carol Kirkwood cup size?” and “Louise Minchen bikini” and, consequently this post will trend for maybe a nano-second….
Local news will concentrate on how to keep safe around those weapons of mass destruction – the BBQ – with common-sense tips such as not mixing alcohol, your husband and fire.
We will be warned of sleepless nights unless we leave all our windows and doors open. We will be warned of psycho-murderers and baby-snatching urban foxes clambering through our open windows in the night.
The Underground will be slowed in a vain attempt to generate a breeze and prevent passengers’ brains from cooking in the heat. And, you won’t find a sausage or a burger on the empty chilled cabinets of Waitrose for love nor money.
And then tomorrow it will rain, Andy Murray will injure his back, and rosacea sufferers and ginger-haired people will be able to mingle amongst us once more.
So, enjoy it while you can.
I awoke a little grumpily this morning.
In part this was due to sleep deprivation – the weather here in the north west of England has been uncommonly hot the last couple of days. Now, I am (unusually) not complaining but the evenings have been very warm and muggy. Despite dispensing with duvets and despite opening windows, the last two nights’ sleep have been brief and fretful. Mind you, the rather dramatic thunder and lightning at 03.40 this morning didn’t help.
That said, the return of Bill Turnbull to the BBC Breakfast News Sofa alongside foxy Sian Williams helped my mood not at all. Why can’t he just retire gracefully? In a kind of smarmy, fey, quite camp and irritating kind of grace that is.
Bill’s return coincided with the Parliamentary Recess to deliver yet another morning session bereft of meaningful news stories. Again, it is official, absolutely nothing of any importance is going on, absolutely anywhere on this planet of ours, or the surrounding universes (unless you believe all the recent white noise about aliens living amongst us and UFOs and conspiracy theories and the like).
Instead, the whole morning was filled with tales of gingerbread men in the shape of Cristiano Ronaldo, and a seemingly blatant advertisement for a male cosmetic firm trying to convince us that we hot-blooded men should be wearing eyeliner and mascara (or Guyliner and Manscara as it is wittingly branded). Of course, the “I’m not at all camp” Bill was all too reluctantly willing to try this out!
There was also the non-story about Carol Kirkwood, the must-have morning crumpet of choice for middle-aged men (whose attention turns to Carol Vorderman in the afternoon and the female presenters of The One Show in the evening – Christine Bleakely, Myleene Klaas, Ellie Harrison, Lucy Siegle and Angellica Bell), not camping in Burnham-on-Sea. Despite looking pretty windswept, the supposed “joke” was that Carol actually stayed in a luxury chalet rather than under canvas.
Nevertheless, Carol found time to feed those sexual fantasies with tales of her time in the girl guides. I suspect that she still has a uniform. A very tight-fitting uniform. Also, it provided an opportunity for Carol to flirt with her “Billy” as she calls him and for banter implying that Carol and Chris Mullin, the sports presenter with whom Carol spent Ascot week and Wimbledon with, knew rather too much about each other – Chris implied that Carol snored and Carol implied that Chris had sweaty feet!
And, the visit to Burnham-on-Sea, conjured up images of past relationships/holidays which I would rather forget. Burnham is probably the closest seaside resort to the city of Birmingham. It is, therefore, also full of Brummies. And, when I was just 17 years old, this is where I went on holiday with my first serious girlfriend, Melissa, and her family. When I say “serious” she was the first girl that let me get further than base one – and, in case my mom is reading I am not admitting which base I got to, but……..
I slept in the awning with the family dog, while Melissa slept in the caravan with her mom, dad and younger sister. Thankfully her two scary brothers – one a night club bouncer and the other a convicted GBHer – didn’t join us.
It was not the most enjoyable holiday experience that I had. In fact it was right up there with the twin centre holiday to Sorrento and Rome when I got ditched by my fiancée, who subsequently admitted to having an affair with a married man with three children.
This is what Bill Turnbill does to me, the swine. All this emotional turmoil just comes flooding back. And, Burnham is a dump.
Please BBC. Kill Bill.
- TV’s Carol Vorderman: Why I love wearing figure hugging clothes (express.co.uk)