Home sweet home….

June 19, 2017 at 8:12 pm 1 comment

Well, it is a month now since we moved into our new home.

When I say “moved into” I mean took residence in, because many boxes remain unpacked while many, many others are providing insulation in the car port ahead of being collected by the removal company. It is a move in progress….

Similarly, most rooms remain festooned with pictures and photographs still ensconced in bubble wrap, leaning against walls in positions where, inconveniently, there exists as yet no hook upon which to hang them.

And, C is assembling a healthy car boot cum charity shop cum eBay collection in my man cave (!) as she declutters elements of the previous owner’s collection of mostly butterfly-orientated decorations.

The pictures remain unhung because it is difficult to find/retrieve power tools from the car port, because they are hidden behind a wall of cardboard and packing paper. This is the same reason why we still have no curtains in our bedroom, which makes for early wake ups and the need to be careful not to flash the occasional dog walker, horse rider, or Polish builder that might be passing the end of the garden early in the mornings.

When I say “took residence” I mean that C did. I have had a week (nearly) in Paris and a week in Portugal since “the move” and still feel as if I haven’t fully settled in – and I am back en route to Paris as I write this.

And, in fact, C is not the only one to have taken residence….

There is a heady mix of hairspray and germoline mixed with damp nappy and expensive perfume in the air which is due to the arrival of the mother-in-law, C’s youngest sister, her husband, and their adorable 15 month old daughter, our niece Ella Rose. I will let you work out which of the odours belongs to who. They have all fully settled in. Believe me….

R and J and Ella are staying with us because they like our gin and are having a new kitchen installed at their home. It was supposed to have taken a week and a half but we are on week four and counting….

They seem to have taken to communal living and a tribal/collective approach to childcare (if not all of the advice so freely offered by the mother-in-law….). We are beginning to distrust J’s regular photographic evidence of the lack of progress on their kitchen refurbishment, to the extent that we have now insisted any new photos should include the front page of a newspaper so that we are able to verify the veracity of the date….

The mother-in-law is staying with us because she was supposed to be staying with R and J. Go figure. And, she likes our gin.

eeyoreThankfully, none of them have any pets. Although Ella does come with an impressive array of teddys, mousies, and Eeyore.

As such, our shiny new home has been turned into a shiny up-market B&B with lunch, and dinner, and afternoon teas, and chocolate before bed…. One of our number (I will not embarrass her but she knows who she is) follows the Seven Meals A Day Hobbit Diet. A B&B cum Chinese laundry. And C’s usually immaculate study now looks like the busy end of the Calais Jungle before they burned it to the ground.

And so, our lovely, shiny new home is as chaotic as a scene from the Durrells. A scene in which the locals have all turned up for dinner a week early and the animals are running amok upstairs.

Mornings are necessarily carefully choreographed as R and J take turns in the bathroom and leave for work, while remembering (thankfully) to take Ella to the childminder, while C and I sit staring into mugs of strong coffee in between multiple trips to the bins (our guests show a casual disregard for the rather draconian recycling rules imposed by C), the washing machine, tumble dryer, and the supermarket (supplies are often exhausted faster than they are being replenished as evidenced by the great sugar disaster on Saturday…..), while trying to not notice the pile of washing up, or the occasional waft of perfume, hairspray, germoline and nappy…..

It is somewhat of a relief when I have made my retreat to my man cave or caught the train to London in order to earn a daily crust…. A crust which is being stretched a lot, lot further than we are used to. While C enjoys the company of her mother and entertains her with trips to local attractions that I have yet to see.

And then there is the food. There is the baby’s food, of course. And, then there is the mother-in-law’s gluten-free food, of course. And then there is the help yourself to food. Except it isn’t help yourself (although bananas do seem to disappear faster than a ferret up a drainpipe and there is definitely a sausage roll thief amongst us) as C and I have been doing all of the cooking…..

Thankfully, it has been warm so we have been able to put the barbecue to good use. And, I have benefited greatly from C’s excellent advice, freely given, on how best to cook a sausage, which she has so selfishly denied me these past 25 years…. And a very clear path to the local farm shop has been worn, in the search for sausages (gluten free), lamb steaks (gluten free), pork loins (gluten free), beef and chicken kebabs (both gluten free), and sausage rolls to replenish those that have been stolen. N.B. The sausage rolls are not gluten free as this will be the quickest way to determine whether the mother-in-law is the thief or not…..

And then there has been Ella. Ella is a joy. She is quite simply as cute as a cute thing could be. She is an absolute credit to her mummy and daddy (or daddy and daddy – she calls everyone daddy at the moment, except Eeyore, who she calls Eeyore….) and my credentials as an uncle, obviously.

She is absolutely adorable and has us all wrapped around her chubby little finger and attending to her every need, which seems to consist of food, pebbles, things to splash in, naps, and climbing.

The climbing bit is raising grandma’s stress levels somewhat and sends the mother-in-law into a flurry of failed distraction techniques which mostly consists of her shouting “ball” very loudly and often, and chasing Ella about the garden while walking like a Teletubby (grandma that is…..). Ella likes teasing grandma….

Guys, I’m gonna miss you….



Entry filed under: humour, middleman. Tags: , , , , , , , , .

Arise Little England…. Wine gums, please…..

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Patricia Pover  |  June 20, 2017 at 7:14 pm

    Absolutely hilarious 😂 You are a very naughty boy! Have I left my germolene tin in your bathroom? Now back home 🏡 in Royston Vasey it’s very breezy here Enjoy your weekend with big Sarah! Thanks 🙏 for a fantastic stay . Xxxxx

    Sent from my iPad




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