Death by sausage….

October 26, 2015 at 8:41 pm Leave a comment


So the WHO declared today that I will die of sausage. Not the 1960s rock super-group, the members of which have been partial to the consumption of processed consumables for quite some time now. Allegedly. Nor the time-traveling Doctor. But, the World Health Organisation itself!

The WHO has declared that processed meats of all kinds and red meats in all varieties are carcinogenic. They cause cancer. Stand away from that bacon sandwich for it will be the death of you.

This has caused me to question my religion. According to my dentist and my biology teacher, God created me an omnivore. An eater of both meat and vegetables. And, while I might struggle to comply with the rather rigid rules of eating five (fruit and vegetable portions) a day, I have always been grateful to a lenient Christian God (as long as you turn a blind eye towards Leviticus and Deuteronomy ) who, while favouring a trip to the chip shop for fish on a Friday, took a rather relaxed view to the eating of beef and pork, bacon butties, hot dogs and pepperoni pizzas.

But no, it seems that Hindus, who don’t eat beef for the cow is sacred, and the Jews and Muslims, who agree on many things except the sanctity of the other’s right to life and Palestine, and share a belief that pork is not to be consumed for it is foul (oh the homophonic irony) have had it right all these years. It is only us Christians and other non-believers who are doomed to a cancerous end.

Now social media has been full of told-you-so comments from smug vegetarians and vegans chuckling to themselves in between their chick peas and tofu. But, if I am to live a long life then I would not wish to share it with a bunch of people whose highlight of the day is a quinoa salad washed down with green energy smoothie. And, wearing dungarees. Or, lying down in a field to block the path of a JCB to protect a portion of the Cheshire green belt from the imminent arrival of HS2. I have met the odd nice vegetarian in my time. But they have all been, well, odd….

imageBut now a piece of Peperami is as dangerous as Plutonium or cigarettes and should be added to that long list of things you like that will kill you in the end. Things such as red wine and cheese. Perhaps it was such classifications which prompted Tony Blair to join the Americans in an illegal war in Iraq. We invaded to save the world from Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction – it was the Baghdad Burger we were defending ourselves against…..

Well, I will not be told. While I may long ago have forsaken the pork scratching, I refuse to kowtow to a pasty pimply liberal vegan in a lab coat. I may not know how many years I might have ahead of me but I intend to continue to play Russian Roulette with the occasional bacon roll, a decent fillet and a glass of Chianti, and a saveloy or two…..


Entry filed under: middleman. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , .

It makes “Noah” look good…. Stranded…

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