Happy 4th July America!

July 3, 2014 at 11:47 am Leave a comment

july

 

This is for my American friends. It is not original and I am not the author. I do, however, agree with the sentiment 😉

I am drafting a similar entry for my Scottish friends…….

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure to financially manage yourselves and inability to effectively govern yourselves responsibly, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David William Donald Cameron, will appoint a Governor for the former United States of America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. You will learn that the suffix ˜burgh” is pronounced “burra”; you may elect to spell Pittsburgh as ˜Pittsberg” if you find you simply can’t cope with correct pronunciation. Then look up “aluminum” and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
  2. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as ˜colour”, “favour” and “neighbour”. Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters.
  3. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up “vocabulary”). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
  4. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter “u”.
  5. You will relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
  6. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  7. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults and then used solely for shooting grouse. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to handle a gun, let alone shoot grouse.
  8. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
  10. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  11. The former United States of America will adopt the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland prices on petrol (which you have been calling “gasoline”) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
  12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt vinegar.
  13. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
  14. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling “beer” is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. The product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. You will cease playing “American” Football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American Football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies or Jessies – English slangs for effeminate males and blouses for big girls respectively).
  15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of the United States of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.
  16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
  17. An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.

God Save the Queen!

 

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Entry filed under: America, middleman. Tags: , , , , .

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