It Just Ain’t An Airbus….

May 4, 2014 at 11:55 am Leave a comment


I don’t like the Boeing 777 as much as the Airbus 380. No, it is not just the lack of a stand-up bar. Nor is it the fact that I have definitive evidence that Boeing 777 pilots can be a little flaky from time to time. Apparently this is the result of post traumatic distress brought on by getting too up close and personal with the Taliban in a downtown Kabul hotel room. Whilst moisturising. It’s a long story. One I’ve heard too many times. My advice – don’t fly Qatar!

No, I don’t like the layout of a Boeing 777. On the A380 everyone has an aisle seat. On the 777 everyone who does not have an aisle seat feels the need to clamber over those of us who do. And, the guy next to me either had a very small bladder or was snorting the free eau de cologne in the toilet. The Boeing 777 does not have fully flat beds. And, the Boeing 777 has a very springy floor. And, so anyone who didn’t need to clamber over me but did need to walk past my aisle seat had me wobbling up and down. On a slight incline, strapped into my blanket by my seatbelt. It was like being on a water-bed on a hill. Floating on a sloping water-bed at 39,000 feet in a plane flown by Captain Flaky in the airspace where radar contact with MH370 was lost.

I didn’t sleep much.

I tried to distract myself by watching another couple of movies. This was not as easy as it might seem. Unlike the Airbus, this Boeing did not have a touch-screen entertainment centre. I had to navigate my way through the Emirates ICE system using the games controller which was attached to my seat by a springy chord. I knew I wasn’t drunk because there was no bar on this plane but Emirates have kindly simulated the impression of intoxication by putting the directional buttons on the games controller in a counter-intuitive location. Press left and the cursor goes right. Press up and it goes down. With a bit of practise I managed to work it out without having to resort to doing headstands in my chair.

The little sleep I did manage to catch was had while “watching” Keanu Reeves play a shape-shifting pseudo-mystical martial art expert in the 47 Ronin. It could have been a prequel for the Matrix. It was certainly set in a time before Keanu had taken his acting lessons.

Only an hour to go…..


Entry filed under: business travel, Films, flying, middleman, travel. Tags: , , , .

The Desolation of Business Class The worst night of my life…..

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