The Full Monty

April 3, 2013 at 8:55 am Leave a comment


Now, you can get easily spoiled. And, clearly a four-day weekend over this Easter break has done for me. Four days of gentle relaxation, good food, nice days out, wonderful company, and, sleeping in your own bed has spoilt me rotten.

And so, a one night stay in a London hotel, on business, brought me crashing down to Earth last night. The hotel demons threw everything at me – the Full Monty……

When I entered my hotel room yesterday evening it was like a sauna. It was hot, hot, hot. I immediately turned the air-conditioning on to the biggest hairdryer symbol (what is wrong with numbers or “hi”, “med” and “low” or the like?), and down to the lowest temperature. But, to no avail. Instead of rewarding me with a nice cooling breeze, the machine rattled in an annoying, complaining kind of way and proceeded to blow the warm air around, with no chilling effect.

So, I opened the window. While it felt like 35 degrees in my room I knew it was minus one or two outside.  And it was very noisy. There was no way that I was going to sleep with the window open. There was no way I was going to hear the TV with the window open. And so, despite the fact that the open window did cool the room a tad, and did drown out the annoying rattle of the air-conditioning, the window would need to be closed before bed.

I ordered my food. And only food, as this was a designated “no alcohol” day after the excesses of a Bank Holiday weekend. Fish and chips. And when it arrived it was, well, a disappointment. The batter was soggy and claggy. The fish was wet and tasteless. And so, dinner consisted of French fries dipped in tomato sauce and a satsuma I had brought with me from the office. And a can of Coke.

Cover of "Darkman"

Cover of Darkman

I watched a film off Netflix on my iPad – Darkman. It is to be avoided. It was rubbish. I didn’t even see it through to the end. And so, with no booze with which to raise my spirits and after an early start and a long, somewhat tedious day reading contracts, I decided an early night was in order and I turned off the aircon, closed the window, did my ablutions, and turned in.

I didn’t sleep well.

It was so hot and dry in the room that I became very dehydrated and my sinuses became blocked, making breathing difficult. In the brief moments in which I did sleep I probably snored like a trooper.

The dehydration forced me to raid the mini-bar for cooling water and lingering seconds in front of the open fridge door. There was just the one small bottle of still mineral water which was readily consumed, but with my thirst unquenched I was forced to turn to the one small bottle of sparkling mineral water……and a few more lingering seconds in front of the open fridge door.

I was awoken at 4am by the sound of my newspaper and express checkout form being pushed under my door.

I was awoken at 5am by the squealing of the bathroom plumbing – presumably this is the time when they turn the water heat on or something.

I was awoken at 6am by the noisy conversation of two people in the corridor. And so I gave up all attempts at slumber and decided to get up and write this blog, before getting to the office nice and early.

The shower flooded.

I am tired and grumpy.


Entry filed under: middleman. Tags: , , , , .

Suspicious… You Couldn’t Make This Up – 1

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