Staycations – the Government Conspiracy

July 15, 2012 at 8:08 pm 1 comment

Cover of "Carry on Camping"

Cover of Carry on Camping

Oh well, the myth which is St Swithin’s Day feast has well and truly been blown by next week’s weather forecast.

As the legend goes, whatever weather falls on the feast day of St Swithin’s – the 15th of  July – will last for forty days. Well, after the wettest June and July since the last, the weather today relented sufficiently to allow me a sweaty couple of hours wrestling with the lawn mower. The moss and dandelions are definitely winning that particular battle. But, the forecast for next week promises more of the same. Rain, rain, rain, and more rain.

And yet, the Government’s conspiracy continues. What conspiracy? The Staycation! For the last few sh*te summers, the media has been full of record temperatures, barbecue summers and Indian summers……..

All I can remember is the rain.

The last few summers have been full of news stories about the imminent collapse of the economies of Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal and Ireland. Previously these were the holiday destinations of choice for the Brits.

And, the Government has invented the concept of “Staycation”. The Stay at home Vacation. Even the PM, Mr Bouffant chinless Dave Bullingdon Cameron has been taking his leave in the South West in recent years. And, I have spotted the little known fact that the number of replays of Carry On Camping on Film 4 have been on the increase.

This, of course, is just a bid by our politicians to persuade us to spend out hard-earned money in the UK rather than on the Continent in times of austerity. I remember childhood fortnights in a rainy four berth caravan – so, I know what austerity feels like!

And, this year they are adding that further pressure – the Olympics. Apparently it is our patriotic duty to stay at home and support Team GB as sponsored by Big Mac and Mercedes…….

So, what has this country got to offer by way of vacation. Rain, traffic chaos in our capital city, the final of Superstar and Big Brother, floods in Devon and Cornwall, midges in Scotland, and the Welsh in Wales. God help us. Where can I buy shares is decent umbrella manufacturer?

So, you will understand my scepticism and my further belief in the conspiracy theory if the Staycation. I read an article in the Times on Thursday entitled “Alien tourist turn up in MoD papers”. MoD papers released under the secrecy laws on Thursday revealed the truth about hitherto denied UFO and alien sightings in the UK in the 1990s. The documents, filed by he Defence Intelligence Service, the UK equivalent of Fox and (sex kitten) Scully, revealed “There has been no apparent hostile intent and other possibilities are a) military reconnaissance b) scientific c) tourism”.image

And so, the UK is such a desirable summer destination that inter-galactic space travellers are flocking here in droves. So, mass produce those pasties and pork pies, fill those jugs of Pimms, and, pitch your awnings and wind breaks with pride. But, pay special attention to the foreign looking creature in the caravan next to you. He may just be phoning home…….


Entry filed under: middleman. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

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1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Katie  |  August 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm

    Excellent rant! I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it is all a massive conspiracy. Having said that, I love holidaying in the UK, but then again, I don’t like beach holidays overmuch so don’t care about the weather.



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