Bah Humbug!

December 22, 2011 at 11:59 am Leave a comment

Jeremy Kyle presenting the show

Jeremy Kyle presenting the show (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Let me first begin by wishing one and all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year when it arrives. I would also like to wish my colleagues, and others who have worked so hard this year, a very, very well-earned rest for a few days………before it all begins again in earnest in January. You have truly deserved a few days on the sofa with your nearest and dearest with a glass of advocaat and a mice pie or two while joining the great unwashed with back to back episodes of Jeremy Kyle.

Have you seen the guy? He is currently in Lapland pretending to be the People’s Santa, bringing joy, wisdom, paternity tests and lie detector to results to some of the most genetically challenged unemployed people that he has seen during the course of the year.

I have been off a couple of days already. The year has been so busy that I have been unable to take my full compliment of leave days. So, I have decided to make the most of the Christmas break and am now off until the 3rd January. But, to be honest, I will only truly relax once the rest of my work colleagues have also broken up for the Holidays – it is amazing how many urgent issues have flashed across my iPad in he last couple of days. Oh well, I guess it’s a compliment to be in demand and indispensable…….

The downside of taking early leave before my hard-working better half has finished is that some of the more mundane Christmas chores have fallen to yours truly and I have been forced out and about with the wrinklies and ladies who lunch of Cheshire and into the aisles of Waitrose, Sandbach.

To be honest, it was good to get out of the house this morning. After just a couple of days of daytime TV, sponsored by various online bingo companies, I have almost been driven mad. Not by the TV programmes. Like any man of a certain age I am partial to a Loose Woman or two and the toy expert off the Antiques Roadshow, and, my own channel, Dave, has more re-runs of Top Gear than an average bloke can shake a six pack and bag of cheese balls at.

No, it is the adverts that are pushing me over the edge. I feel guilty. I have all of the ills of the world on my shoulders. And, I am close to bankruptcy. Just £3 a month here to save the Snow Leopard (with a free cuddly toy), £2 a month there to find a cure for cancer, another £2 a month to Save the Children and help Tanzi drink clean water, a donation to Crisis so that all the Homeless can at least get one day a week in front of a TV to help with their Jeremy Kyle withdrawal. And then there is the famine in the horn of Africa, those poor children with their cleft palates, and, oh my God, how time is running out or the poor jaguar.

Seriously though, I know that my blessings are numerous and there are many less fortunate than myself. But, there are so many adverts pulling at your heart strings and your wallet at the moment. It is distressing.

And, so, I was forced out of the house and into the first Waitrose in Cheshire to buy “dry goods” for the Christmas table. It is only Thursday. There are three shopping days to go and it is already absolute chaos out there.

I got to Waitrose about 08.45 and the car park was already full. It was full of Dial A Ride vans while small practical economical cars with be-capped old men and old ladies peeping over the top of their bonnets, and, Range Rovers and Porsche Cayennes full of glamorous housewives in their jodhpurs and sexy boots were circling the car park looking for parking spaces. Chaos! These normally mild mannered pensioners and the well high-heeled of Cheshire turn into animals in their desire to park and get inside before the world shortage of turkey foil, goose fat and Heston Blumenthal’s Black Forest Buche kicks in. To be fair, Heston’s Buche is about as rare as a Cabbage Patch Kid in the 1980s. That’s the power of advertising I guess.

Why is it that people suddenly become spatially unaware when shopping? Some of these people are able to block an aisle with their trolley far more effectively than a Provo and pile of burning Firestone’s. Why does it suddenly become a good idea to stop and chat to the old friends that you haven’t seen since last Thursday’s shopping outing while stood in front of the fast-diminishing stack of double cream and brandy butter?

Well, I managed to grab my cranberry source, my maple syrup, Dundee cake, and box after box of Stollen slices and mini mice pies – the village carol singers are coming tonight for their annual treat of mulled wine and nibbles – and made my escape.

And, there is still the great sprout, fresh bread and salad panic to be had on Saturday……oh joy!

Have a good one, one and all!

Ps. I got the last Buche. I swear a couple of old girls were considering taking me down when they spotted it in my trolley. I may yet put it on eBay and try to recoup just a little of the small fortune I have just shelled out.

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Lest We Forget…… Bradwall Reformatory School

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