Business Travel

August 23, 2011 at 2:17 am Leave a comment

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I am currently on a Delta Airlines flight from Manchester to Atlanta, in the US of A. I am in business class, despite the crazy travel policy of my current employer, who seems to think that deep vein thrombosis is a rite of passage. I upgraded, at mine own expense and at the cost of about a zillion KLM air miles………

Having just returned from the loo I wonder why I bothered. Clearly, travelling in business class does not improve the aim of my fellow male travellers. I found myself millimetres deep in piss. Now I know that the stewardesses have been generous in their libations, but, how hard can it be to find the basin instead of doing it all over the floor. Thankfully, I am across the aisle from said toilet but still I am in fear of a sharp bank to port………

I am not impressed with Delta business class. To start with there is the issue of the cabin crew. Frankly, I would have thought my air miles would have bought me better. Three stewardesses that look like they have escaped from the Stepford Grandmas and a middle aged gay bloke that has a face so bottoxed that he could have been a poster boy for the “Say no to bottox” campaign….

The grandma who has served me must be ninety nine at least, but, she has the voice of a nine year old. She reminds me of a ninety year old white version of that girl off police academy….. There is clearly something a little amiss about her. You know, the kind of person you know would feature on the Best of X Factor, and not for her singing prowess. She clearly has not been near a sommelier training course, or Spain. The only way I was able to make myself understood in my wine order was to say “I’ll take the Argentinian over the Chilean” . Rioja, is pronounced “Rioka”, and not, “Rioha” as she seemed to be insisting.

While not an early start, my evening was still fitful. I found myself awake at 5 am and rehearsing the presentation that I will be making on Thursday. And, I’m glad I won’t be in the audience to see it. So, I was grateful when the alarm finally kicked off.

Despite the best efforts of the M6 and a taxi driver who was clearly auditioning for a role as a Turkish taxi driver, I made it to the airport in good time and met up with my colleagues, including the diminutive one, who looked like a walking advert for Subbuteo Football Hooligans, dressed in a green hoody, white trainers, and baggy shorts…… Even more irritatingly, he had been upgraded, so would be accompanying me up front, leaving only Jim and Neil, the grumpy twins, in the back of the plane with their pizza and ice cream, a bunch of families, and, their usual chips on their shoulders…….

I hate to think what their RomCom of the day is like, because the choice of movies on demand up front is less than inspiring. I have just watched Hanna, which was an OKish story of a fifteen year old assassin, and, am now midst Fast Fives, which is, well, pants! Thank God for the iPad 2 – Zulu, An Idiot Abroad, my own genius mix, and, Kylie’s Agent Provocateur video. Sex on a stick……or, a bucking bronco to be accurate.

kylie

And now, I have to decide which time zone I want to play in. Is it early morning or mid afternoon? Whatever, I feel a snooze coming on.

Quite worryingly, however, the guy sat to my right is barefoot and sporting the biggest big toes that I have ever seen. They are as thick as a baby’s arm……..perhaps I should warn him about the state of the toilet floor?

The guy to my left is from PA Consulting, whoever they are. He has a Prince2 text book on his lap and is using extracts from it to update a presentation on 4D Delivery projects. Consultants! I can only assume that the fourth dimension is the smell of bullshit in the air.

Oblivion! Bring it on…….

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