Letter From America

May 19, 2010 at 9:37 pm 2 comments

letter from america

Apologies to you all for the lack of correspondence recently. I have been a tad busy at work. I have been working with a bunch of “people” who sap my energy, much like the Dementors of Harry Potter fame. As a result, what little downtime I have enjoyed has been spent very lethargically trying to catch up on my sleep and restoring my faith in the human race.

I am very tired because of this and because of a recent bout of jet lag. I am currently in Atlanta, Georgia in the US of A. I very nearly didn’t get here. My work calendar has been somewhat congested of late. This culminated in the fact that this week I was supposed to be in both Moscow and Atlanta. That is several thousands of miles and ten hours difference. One is a very foreign country and the other is the capital of Russia. My boss came up with a compromise that had me flying to Moscow on Sunday and flying from Moscow to Atlanta on Tuesday, and, home on Thursday. Doesn’t sound too bad? The actual route would have taken me Manchester to Frankfurt to Moscow to Amsterdam to Atlanta to Paris to Manchester. In five days. I was just on the verge of placing the order for the Middle Man’s World Tour t-shirt order when, thankfully, the Muscovites pulled out.

So, I had just got my head around the prospect of a more leisurely direct flight Manchester to Atlanta and back, and I had my bag packed, when those pesky Icelanders intervened. First of all they refuse to honour their debt to UK citizens and then they send us their goddamn ash cloud. They seem to be in an unholy alliance, no doubt sponsored by the Taliban, with the idiot cabin crew of British Airways, in a bid to bring the international airline industry to its knees and condemn us all to a life living in the Middle Ages. I spent all day Sunday watching the ash cloud descend over our sceptered isle and watching airport after airport close.

So, I went to bed on Sunday evening with my bag packed and every expectation that I had an unexpected week of sleeping in my own bed to luck forward. I awoke on Monday morning to the sound of aircraft and threw back the curtains to find we had returned to the twenty first century (although the BA cabin crew are still idiots and allied with the Taliban).

Incidentally, this talk of (contrivance?) Taliban reminds me that my pilot “brother-in-law”, Smithy, tells me that the danger of the ash cloud is hugely exaggerated. Apparently, there is only a risk if you fly through it for hours, in ignorance that  you are flying through it, and, in very very high levels of concentration of ash. Shame on you health and safety boffins! Don’t you know that its safer than crossing the road?

Now why would the Taliban remind me of Smithy? He of the colonic bag incident. Well, because he has just survived a suicide bomb attack in Kabul of course? He is a bit of an exaggerator and tells the tale as if he had been individually targeted, but, I am sure that it is just a coincidence that the bomber chose his hotel room door to blow himself up outside of. But, the tale of Smithy, the Taliban, and the pretty French nurse can wait for a later day – if only that I know it will wind him up not to be the focus of attention……..

Incidentally, coming to America is the easiest diet out. I only had to walk onto the plane and it felt as if I had shed about twenty pounds. Your average American, is large, fat, obese. Either that or they are stick thin, orange in colour, and obsessed with exercise. As I have said before, it is the most foreign country that I know……

Oh well, back to the Dementors. If you listen very carefully, you can hear my silent screams……


Entry filed under: flight attendant, flying, middleman, travel. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , .

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2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Anonymous  |  May 20, 2010 at 10:16 am

    Nice to have you back!


  • 2. wingnut  |  May 23, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    I’ve been waiting ages for something to read in Austria!



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