Bygone Age

November 23, 2009 at 8:41 pm 3 comments

On today’s seven hour journey from home (near Manchester) to Prague I had plenty of time to ponder the demise of the flying industry. Plenty of time to bemoan the lack of a hot towel and a sweet to suck at takeoff and landing. A time when the trolly service was more a case of pass the bottle and a warm meal was served on proper china and eaten with a real knife and fork fashioned from Sheffield’s finest. And the ladies doing the serving looked like proper ladies in skirts and stockings rather than the kind of slacks/trousers that you would expect to see your mom in.

Hats off to KLM – at least they have retained a traditional uniform. The only problem is that the flight attendants have aged somewhat. They may have the clothes but they lost their wiggle back in the 80s. And, my in-flight meal today consisted of a choice between a poor man’s wagon wheel (those were the days) and a packet of 6 Tuc Biscuits. Now I can be partial to a savoury biscuit with a glass of wine and some nice cheese but not with a complimentary coffee or a juice.

Travel by air is just not what it used to be. Czech Airlines decided to cancel my convenient hop from Manchester to Prague, so today I was forced to go from Birmingham via Amsterdam. Thanks to Al Qaeda and the resultant enhanced security checks; the budget airlines who have brought international travel within the grasp of the great unwashed and unedificated; and, Japanese tourists, transit through airports has become a nightmare. I nearly missed my connection in Schiphol because of the twenty-five minute queue for security. Standing in line for such a long time with my laptop in one hand and a bag of liquids and my belt in another, shuffling along like a man on death row hoping my trousers don’t fall down. Eventually I get to the top of the queue for passport control when an Italian – they are always Italian – “gent” pushes to the front declaring that he has “a two minutez to catcha a ma plane – do you a mind eef I push in?”. “They might” I respond pointing to the queue of people behind me. He pushes in anyway declaring “I canna a ask a them all”. I hope he missed his plane. I was taken on one side to have my bag searched because I had a “suspicious umbrella”. What could be suspicious about a Brit with an umbrella this time of year?

The flight to Prague was interesting. I sat throughout the flight with my eyes watering from the strong if, no doubt, expensive perfume of the elegant mature Czech lady sat to my left. She was more blinged up than your average rapper or Premiership footballer but with much better legs. I got wafts of her scent whenever she moved. She moved often because she was practising for a role in a hair product advert. The one where you have to flick your hair in a certain way “because your worth it”.

She was one of those skinny, bottoxed, glamorous fifty somethings that do lunch in Wilmslow and Alderley Edge and the like. A MILF. She had expensively streaked colour to hide her natural blonde tendencies. She had boots with heels that a cat-walk model would break her neck on. Makeup. Lots of it. But not enough to hide the sagginess in her cheeks and neck. She wore a fur wrap which could have been the real thing and had eyebrows so perfectly plucked that they wouldn’t have seemed out of place on Peter Andre.

Travel really is such a drag. It flattened my mood somewhat from the high I achieved last night when Jedward were booted off X-factor. There is a god, or, maybe, Simon Cowell is a supreme being. Shame about Katie Price aka Jordan leaving the jungle though……..

Now I’m stuck in another nondescript hotel room. Don’t get me started……..

Entry filed under: flight attendant, flying, travel. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Top Searches Memory Lane – part 1

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Cynthia Loan  |  November 25, 2009 at 3:52 am

    Thank you for very useful information


  • 2. loosefemme  |  December 4, 2009 at 6:04 pm

    Funny. I could do without the age-ist comments about women. Are you such a hottie that you can say stuff like that and get away with it. Unless you’re Brad Pitt, you’re a middle-aged Brit guy and probably no prize. Jes’ sayin! From across the pond…and thanks for commenting on my post!


    • 3. Middle Man  |  December 8, 2009 at 4:25 pm

      Unfortunately I look nothing like Brad Pitt. But, I AM a dead ringer for George Clooney 😉



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