Kill Bill 3

July 29, 2008 at 1:13 pm 11 comments

kirkwood

I awoke a little grumpily this morning.

In part this was due to sleep deprivation – the weather here in the north west of England has been uncommonly hot the last couple of days. Now, I am (unusually) not complaining but the evenings have been very warm and muggy. Despite dispensing with duvets and despite opening windows, the last two nights’ sleep have been brief and fretful. Mind you, the rather dramatic thunder and lightning at 03.40 this morning didn’t help.

That said, the return of Bill Turnbull to the BBC Breakfast News Sofa alongside foxy Sian Williams helped my mood not at all. Why can’t he just retire gracefully? In a kind of smarmy, fey, quite camp and irritating kind of grace that is.

English: British journalist Sian Williams whis...

English: British journalist Sian Williams whist presenting presenting BBC Breakfast in London during the 2010 United Kingdom general election. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bill’s return coincided with the Parliamentary Recess to deliver yet another morning session bereft of meaningful news stories. Again, it is official, absolutely nothing of any importance is going on, absolutely anywhere on this planet of ours, or the surrounding universes (unless you believe all the recent white noise about aliens living amongst us and UFOs and conspiracy theories and the like).

Instead, the whole morning was filled with tales of gingerbread men in the shape of Cristiano Ronaldo, and a seemingly blatant advertisement for a male cosmetic firm trying to convince us that we hot-blooded men should be wearing eyeliner and mascara (or Guyliner and Manscara as it is wittingly branded). Of course, the “I’m not at all camp” Bill was all too reluctantly willing to try this out!

ellieThere was also the non-story about Carol Kirkwood, the must-have morning crumpet of choice for middle-aged men (whose attention turns to Carol Vorderman in the afternoon and the female presenters of The One Show in the evening – Christine Bleakely, Myleene Klaas, Ellie Harrison, Lucy Siegle and Angellica Bell), not camping in Burnham-on-Sea. Despite looking pretty windswept, the supposed “joke” was that Carol actually stayed in a luxury chalet rather than under canvas.

Nevertheless, Carol found time to feed those sexual fantasies with tales of her time in the girl guides. I suspect that she still has a uniform. A very tight-fitting uniform. Also, it provided an opportunity for Carol to flirt with her “Billy” as she calls him and for banter implying that Carol and Chris Mullin, the sports presenter with whom Carol spent Ascot week and Wimbledon with, knew rather too much about each other – Chris implied that Carol snored and Carol implied that Chris had sweaty feet!

vordermanAnd, the visit to Burnham-on-Sea, conjured up images of past relationships/holidays which I would rather forget. Burnham is probably the closest seaside resort to the city of Birmingham. It is, therefore, also full of Brummies. And, when I was just 17 years old, this is where I went on holiday with my first serious girlfriend, Melissa, and her family. When I say “serious” she was the first girl that let me get further than base one – and, in case my mom is reading I am not admitting which base I got to, but……..

I slept in the awning with the family dog, while Melissa slept in the caravan with her mom, dad and younger sister. Thankfully her two scary brothers – one a night club bouncer and the other a convicted GBHer – didn’t join us.

It was not the most enjoyable holiday experience that I had. In fact it was right up there with the twin centre holiday to Sorrento and Rome when I got ditched by my fiancée, who subsequently admitted to having an affair with a married man with three children.

This is what Bill Turnbill does to me, the swine. All this emotional turmoil just comes flooding back. And, Burnham is a dump.

Please BBC. Kill Bill.

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Entry filed under: Celebrities, childhood memories, middleman, TV. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Stab In The Dark The Godfather Part 4

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. scribbles08  |  August 1, 2008 at 10:53 am

    Hey there Middle Man,
    Have to agree about Bill but would also say that about most of the presenters. They all seem to be singing off the same song sheet. Have you seen that Sunday Life show with Louise Minchin and Colin Jackson. Who is this aimed at? It is SO annoying!! She’s not too bad but he is pathetic. Don’t care how good an athlete he was/is. Who is he anyway?!
    Thanks for comment on my blog!

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  • 2. Middle Man  |  August 1, 2008 at 11:15 am

    Thanks scribbles,

    Of course I haven’t seen the Sunday Life show. I cannot be doing with all of that God bothering! Thanks for popping in.

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  • 3. renaissanceronin  |  August 2, 2008 at 4:47 am

    Man, and I thought my life sucked…
    But, I’ll trade you Geraldo Rivera for Bill Turnbull.
    At least Bill didn’t make you suffer through “What’s in Al Capone’s Closet…”
    And stop making fun of my “Guyliner…”
    It hides the bags under my eyes from lack of sleep. “HRH The Terror” is teething… Oy Vay!

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  • 4. Middle Man  |  August 4, 2008 at 10:44 am

    Thanks for visiting renaissanceronin. Have just checked out Geraldo. Scary. You certainly wouldn’t want someone who looks like a cross between Bruce Forsyth and Salvador Dali over your cornflakes.

    ps. have you tried oil of cloves?

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  • 5. renaissanceronin  |  August 4, 2008 at 7:36 pm

    We’ve tried every oil except motor oil on jr’s teeth. He just looks at us with those big, beautiful eyes, and then… snarls and spits. I think he might be English… LOL!
    I’d still like to see Geraldo chucked across the pond for a few seasons. It’s your turn to put up with him. After all, we’re all distant relatives, huh? I’m even willing to kick the bejeezus outta Bill, if it will make you feel better…
    Or, I could always write another “What do James Bond… manners post!”

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  • 6. Stan Gostkowski  |  December 24, 2008 at 1:00 am

    I find Bill Turnbulls attempt at wit with his co presenter Sian Williams, contrived and annoying. He is so obviously trying to forge a professional rapport where they bounce off each other, but is desperately failing to achieve it.

    Every time I switch on to the programme, I’m left feeling accutely underwhelmed and have to switch off after a few minutes.

    For Christ’s sake, retire him!

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  • 7. turnbulltwat  |  January 23, 2009 at 9:29 am

    yep – can’t stand the guy. Dermot had a great rapport with the female presenters. They seemed to go all coy and shy around him. Turnbull is just a weasel who reminds me of the little kid in school that everyone hates.

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  • 8. Duke  |  March 31, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    I think it’s about time the BBC got rid of Bill Turnbull I can’t stand his voice he thinks his a comedian tries to make jokes about any news topic he mumbles can’t get his words out very often makes a fool of himself. Had a go at Kate,s blouse thinking he was funny but got a ticking off from her she should have slapped him.
    He keep moving his head from side to side like one of those dogs you put on the shelf of a car come on BBC get rid of him please then I might watch BBC Breakfast in the mornings.

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  • 9. Duke  |  August 12, 2009 at 10:34 am

    I’ve been watching breakfast tv for the last month because Bill Turnball has been missing thank god, now he seems to be back so switch off and watch the other side, can’t stand the bloody man.

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    • 10. Middle Man  |  August 13, 2009 at 7:55 am

      I’ve given up and turned to Sky News!

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  • 11. Duke  |  October 16, 2009 at 4:01 pm

    We had A break from Turnball two weeks ago on breakfast tv but bad news is his back not only in the morning but now we have to put up with him on this around the world relay in 80 days, just can’t get rid of the bloody man.
    It’s about time the BBC retired him, they keep getting rid of the older females (BBC that is) why the hell don’t they get rid of him.

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