Travel Is Fun

June 25, 2008 at 12:02 pm 6 comments

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Don’t you just hate travelling on business at this time of year? Especially flying. This week I had to fly from Manchester to Amsterdam. As ever at this time of year the great unwashed are allowing their kids to bunk off school in order to take advantage of cheap flights and holidays to places like Spain, Turkey, and various other all-inclusive destinations strewn with British Bars (or Irish Pubs at the better places), advertising “English Breakfast”, “Sunday lunch with real Yorkshire pudding”, “karaoke”, “Sky Sports” and “Happy Hour”. You can spot people on the flight for Bodrum a mile off. Blackpool abroad. Morecambe in the sun.

Consequently, the airport is like something reminiscent of the bar scene in the original Star Wars movie. Aliens of all shapes and sizes everywhere you look. It is filled with shaven-headed blokes with earrings, gold chains, signet rings, “love” and “hate” tattooed on their knuckles, and “mother” or “Kylie” tattooed on their arms. The women look as if they have just come off set from a Britney Spears video – after her breakdown. They sport bleached blonde hair. They have orange fake tans or have blue-veined cellulite peeping out of mini skirts.

muffin-top-300x199They are muffin tops with bellies which hang over the front of their jeans, while their thongs and ubiquitous tattoos are all too evident at the back. And, how any of them manage to get through security with all those body piercings. Jailbait 14 year old daughters, Goth teenage sons, and grizzling sprogs who have been forced to get up ahead of the time that they would normally have switched off their X-box and gone to sleep. Everyone is suffering the effects of sleep deprivation and nicotine withdrawal. Personally, it makes me feel like taking up smoking myself. The viewing figures for Jeremy Kyle must take one hell of a dip at this time of year. And, at least the benefit offices will be quieter.

There is a total lack of fashion awareness. All are inappropriately dressed for the beach with flip flops or white stilettos, shorts and football tops – Manchester United, Liverpool or “Engerland” in the main. And, that is both sexes. And there is nothing so attractive as a middle-aged man in a beer-belly hugging football shirt. Oh, except, that is, for the sight of a middle-aged woman in a beer-belly hugging football shirt.

Everywhere you look there are fat unattractive couples with fat unattractive kids in tow. The queue at Burger King is longer than the queue at security. And the bars are full of people quaffing pints of lager and vodka cocktails. Even at 6am! Mind you, all of that heaving flesh and cleavage is difficult to take so early without the benefit of alcohol.

Everyone has a mobile phone clasped against their ear while wrestling with their bags of duty free and pulling an inappropriately sized piece of so-called hand luggage behind them with the same piece of Christmas tinsel wrapped around the handle. None can read the flight display screens from a distance of more than two feet. They are all wandering aimlessly, seemingly blind to all directional signs and deaf to all announcements. “Could the person who has left their small child and their brain at security please return to collect it.” “Would Mr Skally travelling to Puerto Plata please make his way out of the bar.”

The only redeeming feature is the check-in staff. They might not give you a safety demonstration but at least they get their uniforms from the same shop as the air stewardesses.

Oh and great, I have to fly back later tonight. I cannot wait to get home.

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Entry filed under: flying, humour, travel. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Sting in the Tale Stab In The Dark

6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Daniel  |  June 25, 2008 at 12:05 pm

    Your descriptions are fantastic. Keep them up. http://www.bentpage.wordpress.com. Let’s hear about Amsterdam. Thanks.

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  • 2. Ian  |  June 25, 2008 at 8:54 pm

    Jeez, and I thought I could be a grump! Excellent post: keep them coming

    Like

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  • 3. rattusphere  |  June 27, 2008 at 4:54 pm

    In a sad but honest way, it’s a little comforting to know that these things are the same or mirror each other no matter what side of the world you’re on.

    Like

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  • 4. Couchptato10  |  July 15, 2008 at 5:24 am

    I think a 14 hour flight from LA to Vienna is much more uncomfortable. I couldn’t handle sitting down so much. I kept walking around the plane but so many people became nervous and I was told to remain seated. darn.

    Loco

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  • 5. Middle Man  |  August 1, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    Actually Couchpotato Ithink that I can beat you there too:

    https://caughtinthemiddleman.wordpress.com/2007/03/08/planes-trains-automobiles-part-1/

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  • 6. dannyllama  |  December 7, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Middleman – love it. A man who has endured the same pain as myself, all in the name of “business”, The Amsterdam flights are particulary loathsome, especially with Sleazy Jet. You can guarantee that virtually all of the passengers will be chavs and scallys who reek of alcohol and cannabis. That said, I do enjoy watching them squirm as they saunter towards HM Customs !!

    Dan

    http://dannyllama.wordpress.com

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