I Can’t Afford It!

I am depressed. It is all due to the credit crunch. I woke up this morning to the news that the UK housing market is in free-fall. Apparently our houses have lost 2.5% of their value in just the last month alone, being the seventh month in succession that house prices have fallen. So, I’ve just had more value knocked off the house than I spent on the new kitchen and bathroom. Great. Just great.

And, of course, this all happens at a time when the oil price is going mad. It is SO bad that I am actually in two minds as to whether I can afford to go to work. Seriously. I have a fifty mile commute. That’s four hundred miles in a week (I work from homes on a Friday). And with the cost of Super Unleaded at something like £122 a litre and a fuel performance of around 20 mpg or so……

I know I could get a more fuel-efficient car than an Audi TT but I do have an image to think about. And, there have to be some perks to all my hard work over the years! Now don’t all you planet huggers and eco-terrorists start on me when I’m feeling down. And, no, public transport is not an option. I live in rural Cheshire (the bit with the M6 motorway going through the middle of it) and the nearest bus service is a good two and a half miles away. The bus only runs on a Tuesday. And, it doesn’t go anywhere that I would want to.

Added to that, another joy of living the rural dream is that I now have to worry about the threat of someone breaking into my home heating oil tank and siphoning it all off. The cost of home heating oil (kerosene) has almost doubled in the last twelve months and it seems to have sparked a min-crime wave. We are not connected to the gas mains so we have no choice but to use oil. So, I can’t afford to go to work and I can’t afford to heat my water or my home!

So, we are economising. Economising mostly involves sacking (“letting go” was the term that C used) our gardener. The efficient and reliable guy who has mown our two expansive lawns and trimmed our hedges. Instead, this has become my job. So, a new petrol powered lawnmower (more bloody fuel cost) has been purchased and two hours or so of my life every other week or so will be given up to putting fresh stripes on the garden. But, do not fear, this is not the first sign of us becoming self-sufficient. Many of you will know of previous failed bids at achieving the Good Life. But we’ll not be going there…….or will we?

Indeed, we may well have to turn the side garden over to vegetables. Either that or try to sell it to the government as a site for one of their new nuclear power stations….

I can’t afford to drive. I can’t afford to pay someone to cut the lawn (please God don’t let the window cleaner put his prices up!). I can’t afford hot water or heating. And, it is becoming increasingly hard to afford to eat. Sure, rice, bread, and pasta costs seem to have also rocketed around the world. While the good old potato is being touted as the planet’s saviour, I am not allowed to eat them because of my summer diet. “We” are concerned about our bikini figure. And, thanks to bloody Jamie and Hugh I am now so emotionally scarred that I can only eat organic free range chicken from the Dali Lama’s personal petting farm, at the cost of an arm and a leg. If it wasn’t for Waitrose’s wine offers we’d be destitute…..

So it looks as if I have to sell the car, give up work, buy a shotgun with which to guard the oil tank, wrap myself in a Waitrose Bag for Life just to keep warm, and dig for England. It’s probably no bad thing. If you believe the other news headlining today, if I ever did step outside the front door I’d probably be attacked by a ten year old knife wielding crack addict! Always look on the bright side, eh?