It Doesn’t Taste Like Chicken!

February 14, 2008 at 8:18 am 25 comments

New KFC logo 

It doesn’t taste like chicken 

What is it about the Service Industry in the UK? To be sure, it does very little “servicing”. Nor is it “industrious” if my recent experience is anything to go by.  As readers of recent posts will know, it was with some dismay that I discovered that it takes more than 14 weeks to buy a new Audi TT, being a cunning plot by those fiendish Germans to mess with the old supply and demand dynamic in order to sustain the retail price of their vehicles at ridiculously high levels – presumably in retaliation for our bombing of Dresden back in WW2 or something. As a consequence, I did not in fact purchase a new TT, electing to buy a nearly-new, ex-demonstrator model with lots of unnecessary bells and whistles that I will probably never use (such as cruise control). 

Yesterday lunchtime I was driven out of my home by the combined presence of Mike, the painter and decorator, who is in the middle of putting right a collection of DIY disasters (not all of them mine) that have taken place in the property over the years, and, the arrival of Cheryl, our cleaner.

Cheryl is lovely but she does like to chat. Mike is lovely but he does like a fig roll with his coffee, and a chat. I don’t do “chatting” so, consequently, I had stored up my chores for the day and promptly took myself off and left them to it. Maslow, our furball baby, likes neither disruption nor the vacuum cleaner nor a chat and not even a fig roll and similarly made himself scarce too. For some strange reason I was hit by an attack of the munchies and so took myself off to Kentucky Fried Chicken at the Grand Junction Retail Park in the mighty metropolitan Mecca which is Crewe. I know, I know. But sometimes only the deep-fried Colonel’s secret recipe will do. 

I entered KFC at 1.30 pm. There were just five customers in the queue ahead of me – a couple of likely-lad builders who were ordering a big bucket of spicy processed stuff with onion rings, fake ice-cream and a coke or something; an elderly couple with a purse full of small change with which to purchase their mini-fillets and fries; and a very easy-on-the-eye petite blonde girl.

Unfortunately, behind me there was a very uneasy-on-the-eye lard-arse fast-food regular who was having a very loud conversation on her mobile phone. They should be banned! Both! Uneasy-on-the-eye lard-arses and mobile phones should be banned from all public places. 

Tony Soprano once famously stated that all Blockbuster outlets are managed by rhesus monkeys (when arguing with AJ who had been sacked from one). The same is true of KFC it would seem. There was the usual array of inane teenagers sporting body piercings, tattoos, black eyes, baggy jeans, muffin tops and bum cracks, and not a GCSE between them. They all looked either stoned or asleep and in need of a good wash.

They were certainly more interested in chatting to each other, cracking jokes, and ogling the petite blonde girl just ahead of me in the queue, than in serving the customers. After taking the elderly couple’s order, the greasy oik at the till actually disappeared for ten minutes. None of the other staff, including the beanpole, hippy Manager that looked like he had been brought up on a Greenham Common peace camp and was best friends with Swampy seemed to know, or care, where she had gone. I think she was a she, but the beard was a little confusing…..meow! 

The petite blonde took her Zinger Tower and I stepped up to the counter just twenty five minutes after entering the establishment. Fast food?! The bearded lady had been replaced by jovial fat kid. Jovial fat kid prioritized helping his mate who had just come in to get an application form ahead of serving yours truly. And, without so much as an apology or by your leave, another five minutes later, he asked me what I would like. “A three piece Colonel’s meal to go, please.” said I. “Hold on” said he and disappeared around the back only to return with the magical words: “Sorry but we are out of chicken!” 

I was furious. “You what! You’re out of chicken!? What’s the name of this bloody place? It is lunchtime on a Thursday and I’ve queued for thirty minutes to be told that KFC has no bloody chicken!”. I may have used a word a little stronger than “bloody”. The response? An inane grin. I stormed out for fear that I was about to commit a physical assault. I took refuge in the nearby MacDonalds, pursued by lardy-arse and her bloody annoying mobile phone. 

Does anyone have the complaints department email address for KFC? Or, the telephone number of the petite blonde……?


Entry filed under: poor service, rant. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

Strange Visitors Letter From America

25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. viveknarain  |  March 31, 2008 at 6:21 pm

    That’s classic. Curse you KFC!


  • 2. iggy  |  April 9, 2008 at 3:45 pm

    whoa, that’s crazy 30 min. in a fastfood? here we wait around 15min. unless it’s peak hours and coupled with around at least 5 counters w/ around 5-6 people queue


  • 3. confessionsxofxaxteenagexrockxchick  |  April 11, 2008 at 5:45 pm


    was your MacDonald’s experience any better?


  • 4. flapjackandhowler  |  April 12, 2008 at 7:28 am

    HAHHAHA!! Oh man this is classic. Yeah I have had some great experiences at KFC. lol.. Top of the line scumbags there. lol. toooo funny. I dont know how the hell you made 30 mins in there.


  • 5. a broad  |  June 27, 2008 at 3:18 pm

    when we lived in Oxford, KFC on Cornmarket was not much better. But in the US they also don’t seem to know there business. We have got KFC take out three times, each time I waited 25 minutes in the drive through, wedged between cars, so I could not leave if I WANTED to. I get home to find they have not packed one of the items orderd but the thought of having to drive back 15 minutes and wait again? No way, sod it, would rather have a dry slice of bread. I have just bitched too about the experience we had at Cheesecake Factory (oh, did I say the name??? ;-)) and it was one for the books. Do feel free to have a look…Good luck with finding the petite blonde though!
    ( “Let them have cake…”


  • 6. K.M. George  |  June 27, 2008 at 9:55 pm

    Your story was just too funny. Too bad it happens all too often! Thanks for visiting!


  • 7. tartetartan  |  July 2, 2008 at 1:05 am

    How awful! What I wouldn’t do for a KFC. We can’t get it in France. It is my junk food of choice. The last time i had one was 4 years ago in Scotland. I used to go out with a guy from Norway. He loved it too but could ony get in in the UK. He contacted their head office as he wanted to open an outlet in Olso, but they turned him down. Maybe I should think about opening one in sw France?


  • 8. Saphine Richardson  |  July 17, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    In response to ypur comment allow me to expound a bit more on my post.

    If it takes to long I leave. In San Fernando alone there are at least 4 different outlets in close proximity. I don’t know how it is up in the UK though. I do not under any circumstance as soon as I enter the ‘restaurant’ start insulting the manager, cashier or cook. All I’m saying is have some courtesy for those in front of you because god know how long they’ve been in that line. Aside from that KFC is the junk food of choice for many Trinidadians. So fast food it may be but fast service? As anyone in that joint will tell you there is no such thing. (if you think KFC is bad you won’t wanna try pizza boys)

    Another problem is the fact that many persons treat these fast food employees like dirt. So yes Customer Service on the whole sucks. And while we all shouldn’t have to suffer for the treatment melted out to them, we usually do.

    Also there’s the don’t-give-a-damn type of CSR’s like the ones in your post so yes I understand and sympathize.

    On another note I can’t believe you managed a half an hour in line.


  • 9. xcarpathia  |  August 6, 2008 at 9:34 am

    HHAHHAAHHAH…. I guess its the same everywhere in the world, even in malaysia for that matter, KFC & MCD have this policy of not overcooking so they can serve ‘fresh” food from their kitchen. So its not really a fast food joint anymore per se as we do have to wait sometimes like 10-20min for your particular order.

    me? i try to avoid kfc and mcd as much as i can.

    oh yeah, i dont think KFC is categorised under fast food. right?


  • 10. kianfai87  |  August 29, 2008 at 8:17 am

    Oh my god? Kentucky Fried Chicken had run out of Fried Chicken?
    Well as in my opinion, is the worker problems.


  • 11. DSmiley15  |  September 16, 2008 at 4:51 pm

    Here in NY – on Long Island to be exact – KFC is exactly the same. No matter when you go or what you order you have to wait – a long time. The last time I went was about 3 months ago and I think that the wait finally did me in — I will NEVER go again….


  • 12. Behind Kylie  |  October 3, 2008 at 5:21 pm

    “You what! You’re out of chicken!? What’s the name of this bloody place? It is lunchtime on a Thursday and I’ve queued for thirty minutes to be told that KFC has no bloody chicken!”

    LMAO, the times I’ve gone through the drive-thru only to be told “that will be a little while” we usually refer to these instances as “killing the chicken” much like “killing the cow” when there’s beef involved.


  • 13. MrCrip  |  November 13, 2008 at 9:56 pm

    You should have made a quick trip to trading standards. The trouble with KFC is this:

    We all know it is processed crap
    we all know the processed crap tastes nice
    we all know we are going to eat too much of the processed crap
    we all know we will feel sick after eating the processed crap
    we all know we will back for more of the processed crap at some stage
    we all know the queues at KFC are horrendous, yet we still go back

    Something is telling me there is something the purposely put in the 11 herbs and spices that is very bloody addictive that makes us go back for more, because let’s face it there is no other reason why, after all it’s crap!


  • 14. traveloncloud9  |  November 18, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    HAHA this is a funny story. But ya, as you said, after reading the story here ( you probably should have felt much better now.

    sometimes, it’s preferred to know that they are out of chicken 🙂


  • 15. noseycow  |  December 17, 2008 at 10:51 am

    Lucky that they were out of chicken IMO. Last time I ate there was before the ‘kentucky fried rat’ story hit the wires. LOL

    I hope your kangeroo burger tasted good. 😉 (can’t beat a quarter pounder with cheese (large) meal – with DIET coke 😀 )


  • 16. writechicpress  |  December 18, 2008 at 3:33 am

    I’m still giggling. Awesome storytelling! Great writing.


  • 17. wigwam2theorem  |  December 20, 2008 at 7:47 am

    Holy s*&^! Great story.


  • 18. ranting woman  |  January 30, 2009 at 2:17 pm

    What a HOOT! Love the visuals, too! ROCK ON! Ya gotta love it – KFC runs out of chicken!


  • 19. cerebr8  |  July 14, 2009 at 9:38 am

    Ok, that is pretty freakin bad my friend. I recall when I was interviewing for such jobs as a teen, if my hair touched my collar I was not considered. Cleanliness and appearance counted for something, not to mention intelligence and prioritizing the customer service aspect of the job.

    The whole system, dare I say perhaps the whole world, needs to re-evalute some of the standards, or lack thereof, we have for positions involving public service/interaction! SHEEESH!


  • 20. 10poundsochicken  |  July 14, 2009 at 1:54 pm

    oh my! I am definitely not looking forward to that experience, thanks for the heads up!


  • 21. trebord  |  August 4, 2009 at 5:35 pm

    Wow! Someone else remembers the Greenham Common camps!!! Must have been a pretty scary looking manager!!!


  • 22. trebord  |  August 4, 2009 at 5:38 pm

    You may like this as well:


  • 23. Bill Bartmann  |  September 3, 2009 at 8:25 pm

    Excellent site, keep up the good work


  • 24. Isobel Devi  |  April 6, 2011 at 10:54 pm

    That was amazing. I think it put my Burger King Blog right to shame. Thanks for the great read buddy!!



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