Posts filed under 'TV'
Too Fat To……?
Did you see the start of the new-look X-Factor at the weekend?
It seems that Simon Cowell has successfully refreshed the finogueormat, recognising that most people enjoy the auditions more than the competition proper. There is the usual line up of judges – the brutally honest and open Cowell; the dated and out-of-touch Louis Walsh; the apparently botoxed-no-more, wrong Minogue sister (sigh Kylie); and, the gorgeous, heart-on-her-sleeve Geordie, Cheryl Cole. But, now the auditions are held in front of large, live audience – adding a big chunk of fear factor and instant audible feedback to proceedings.
As ever, there was the usual mix of untalented, out-of-tune wannabees. There were some who were obviously/hopefully doing it for a bet/laugh. And, there were a few uncomfortable moments when it felt that the great British public were having a laugh at the expense of the mentally ill – I am sure that a number of care institutions were missing a few inmates on the days of the auditions.
But, why oh why oh why oh why oh why do we continue to give airtime and media coverage to those lard-arses in the super-sized Chawner family?!?!?! Follow this link to the video but make sure you have a sick bag or other suitable receptacle to hand……..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HxT2AuF1M0
This was the third year on the trot that talentless titan, Emma Chawner had auditioned for the show, but, this time, she brought her equally obese and untalented sister with her. I assume that they had the floor reinforced for the occasion. I wish they had provided ear plugs too. I have heard foxes having sex that were easier on the ear.
Earlier this year, the Chawner family (83 combined stones of mom, dad, and two elephant princesses) were splashed across our tabloids (presumably double page spreads) defending their £22k in benefits on the basis that they were “too fat to work”. What?! Why?! Were they trying to induce sympathy from my fellow tax-payers and myself?
This family should be given media coverage. There should be posters around the country showing this family with slogans such as “If you are like this you will have your benefit removed”, “If you treat your children like this you will be prosecuted for child abuse”, “It’s not big and it’s not clever”, “Education is the way out”.
Now prepare for all those comments from bleeding-heart over-weight moaners and their defence of “big bones”, “medical condition”, “depression”, etc. Drag yourself off the sofa, get a life, do some exercise, and, above all, step away from the fridge!
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Kylie – sigh
2 comments August 25, 2009
Where do they find them?
Now don’t get me wrong, I am all in favour of more Davina McCall on our TV sets, but, the return of Big Brother 10 is both compelling and appalling. Where do they get their candidates from? Are we truly that unintelligent as a nation?
Take last night when Karly (Scottish glamour model who likes to parade around in as little as possible and stand around on chairs a lot in the absence of a podium or pole) got involved in a discussion about languages. Karly declared that she spoke a bit of German and found the German language easier than others because they were grammatically the same (they say things in the same order). And, this was all because the Nazis had come here during the second world war! What? When? Who?
While she may have been correct about a shared origin of the two languages I think she will find that she was about fifteen hundred years or so out of time (unless you count such words as “hamburger” and the advertising slogan “Vorsprung durch Technik” and the fact that the “Queen’s English” is spoken by someone who used to be part of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha dynastic line).
She was also incorrect about the grammatical similarities. Now it is a long, long, time since I passed my German “O-Level” (these were exams that we had in the 1980s before the onset of GCSEs. The main difference being that “O-Levels” were actually worth something 
) but I seem to remember something about a German grammar rule of Time, Manner, Place which meant that the English sentence “I went to school early yesterday” would be written in German as “Yesterday, early to school went I”, or, in Karly’s case “I didn’t”.
Surely this will go down alongside Jade Goody’s (RIP) assertion that Norfolk was “abroad”……..
Mind you, it is not just reality TV contestants that seem to be lacking in grey matter. I recently endured a long flight from Manchester to Corfu during which the couple sat behind me demonstrated a complete lack of Geography “that must be France down there” topped off by the statement, on hearing that we had begun our decent to Corfu, that “Good. It’ll start getting warmer on the plane now!” And, I thought most planes were equipped with something akin to air-conditioning……
Thank goodness for Davina.
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1 comment June 10, 2009
Jade’s Back In BB (Big Brother)
This was the headline in today’s Daily Star Comic (it has more pictures than words; the words are in very big type and most are monosyllabic; and, the most common colour is “skin”). According to the Daily Rag:
“Big Brother bosses want one of Jade Goody’s closest pals to star in the new series so her “fantastic spirit can live on for ever in the house”.”
So, not just cashing in then?
I am sorry but what is it with this new Cult of Jade Goody? She seems to have eclipsed even Princess Diana. The Sun (more successful comic than the Star, with bigger and better breasts) has a whole page of their on-line site dedicated to Jade:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/tv/jade_goody/
I am sure that Big Brother doesn’t have to worry though. I am fairly certain that they will not have to make do with just friends of the Essex girl. Of course they could wait for that elusive window of opportunity and film the show on the rare occasion that her husband, Jack Tweed, is out of jail. If they also filled the house with 16 year old boys and taxi drivers for Jack to beat up I am sure that the ratings would be out of this world. But no, I am fairly sure that Big Brother will somehow manage to get Jade back in person. Not through some Jurassic Park type experiment in DNA. Not through cloning – surely that would hasten the end of the human race as the average household pet would have a higher IQ.
No. Given the overwhelming emotion and energy that surrounds the Cult of Jade, I am fairly certain that this Easter weekend will see the Second Coming of Jade. She is sure to rise from the dead and take her rightful place at the right hand of Davina McCall.
Please, please, please let the girl Rest In Peace……….and give the rest of us a break at the same time.
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5 comments April 8, 2009
Celebrity Big Brother Fixed?
Now, I have long since been a fan of the, sadly, now faded talents and charms of Ulrika Jonsson (see here)……..
And, I am very glad indeed that the American contingent did not win (see here)………
But, how on Earth did Ulrika do it?!? She was booed throughout the evening by the in-studio audience. She had been up for nominations so many times. She was so up herself, arrogant, glum, and often a bit rude throughout the three weeks. And, quite frankly, she looks like my grandma…….
Even she muttered the word “fix” when the result was announced. Channel Four, shame on you!
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3 comments January 26, 2009
The Stig Outed
I cannot believe that Top Gear’s Stig has been identified and outed by the great British media.
Apparently the Stig, contrary to popular mythology, is neither super-human, alien, nor Damon Hill. The Stig is actually one Ben Collins, stunt driver and champion racing driver.
I agree with The Times Newspaper that this is a fact, like the non-existence of Father Christmas, that I would rather not have been told. Next they will be telling me that Jeremy Clarkson is not God and that Kylie is crap in bed.
Ben must be hoping that he doesn’t suffer a fate similar to that of the previous Stig, Perry McCarthy, who was left to drown after being driven off a warship in one of the Top Gear challenges……
;(
4 comments January 21, 2009
Why?
Why did the Moonbase Girls of SHADO have purple hair in the cult TV programme “UFO”?
Oh what the heck – who cares?
You will enjoy this video of Lieutenant Ellis (Gabrielle Drake):
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/yt-MuXIBOqBitg/ufo_tv_series_lt_ellis_gets_undressed/
Add comment January 14, 2009
Why?
Why is it, I wonder, that when you have a male and female duo presenting the news, the man always sits on the left (as you look at the screen) and the lady sits on the right?
C, my media savvy better half (she used to work at Granada) also explained that, apparently, when choosing people to read the news, the producers try and select a man who resembles a stereotypical father figure and a “lady” who is the perfect mistress! Well, that puts a whole new perspective on the Bill Turnbull and Sian Williams thing on BBC Breakfast. She is pregnant. I hope it doesn’t come out ginga!
1 comment December 14, 2008
Strictly Cum Dancing
Last night I saw my first Strictly Come Dancing programme (the UK version of Dancing With The Stars) . It was not the Saturday night show, or the Sunday night results show (which is apparently also filmed on the Saturday after Tess changes her dress) , but the daily Strictly Come Dancing – It Takes Two programme hosted by the easy-on-the-eye Claudia Winkleman. Boy you would hope that she doesn’t “grow up” to look like her mother!
We put it on at the request of J from next door who had popped round to drop of C’s birthday present – she is 39 today – and who stayed for a glass of Sauvignon Blanc on the understanding that she could not miss the show. She being the programme’s self-confessed greatest of fans. To be honest she is just a sucker for any half-toned rugby player in a cummerbund!
How does the BBC get away with this? Is this the best of public service broadcasting? It seems to me that the show is pervasive. Every BBC news bulletin on the TV or radio seems to reference the latest voting dilemma or bullying incident. The show is featured on every episode of the One Show. The tabloids are full of it. There have even been questions asked in Parliament regarding whether it is legitimate that John Sergeant, who dances, well, like me (i.e. badly), should be kept in the “competition” by the public vote when, in the end, it is supposed to be a dancing competition. And is just me or does anyone else think that John Sergeant is really Jo Brand in a tux? Has anyone seen that pair in the same room? Surely those two were separated at birth……
For me the only redeeming aspects to the show are Tess Daly, (a truly well put together lady), Claudia and Christine Bleakley. Incidentally we got a double dose of Christine last night – no sooner had she finished her interview with Claudia on BBC2 than she was hosting the One Show on BBC1, and talking about the show again. Does anyone know more about her alleged affair with co-present Adrian Chiles?
But I also recognise its ability to cross the divide. Last night Claudia asked Four Puffs and A Piano what they liked about the programme. Hmmm? What on Earth could four gay men find alluring about men in tight fitting trousers I wonder?!? Presumably the BBC must have the Four Puffs on a retainer. Seeing as they aren’t doing the Jonathan Ross show at the mo then the BBC are obviously keen to get their money’s worth. Or should that be our money’s worth.
Surely there is something more interesting to talk about? Can the judges truly be accused of bullying? Can the great British public continue to waste its money voting for the Serge? Is this the best spend of our license fee money? Answers on a postcard please.
4 comments November 19, 2008
Happy Days
So, Blue Peter has been celebrating its 50th anniversary as one of the world’s longest running Children’s TV programme……Well, I was always more of a Magpie man myself. BBC was always a little posh and keen to educate in my formative years and I seemed to prefer the allure of Jenny Hanley over Lesley Judd. And, who can blame me? Give me a Hammer Girl over a ballet dancer any day
But, the anniversary has prompted me to think back to those halcyon days of 1970s and early 1980s TV. I never really bothered about Blue Peter until Sarah Greene. Well, why would I? But, I did find Sarah and the likes of Janet Ellis could be a little diverting in the late afternoon. And to be honest, John Noakes apart, the male presenters were always a little dodgy. Peter Duncan, John Leslie – need I say more?
In my day, as a kid, you took TV as it came. Which wasn’t often. Breakfast TV didn’t start until 1983. When I was very young (or occasionally ill) I would walk home from junior school for lunch and take in the occasional Mr Benn, Trumpton, Camberwick Green, Tales of the Riverside, or, Pipkins, with that truly irritating Brummie hare!
Animation and cartoons were pretty rubbish – who could ever get their head around Noggin the Nog or understand what on Earth (or whatever their volcanic, hollow planet was called) the Clangers were on about? The American imports were always so much better. I used to fancy Penelope Pitstop. These were the days of Dastardly and Muttley, the Harlem Globetrotters and the Jackson 5 – back in the days when the only children that Michael Jackson shared his bed withwere his own brothers! (How did he ever get away with it?)
The home grown stuff was pretty rock n’ roll though, alegedly full of drugs and sexual innuendo. Just take Zebedee in the Magic Roundabout or the whole mythology built around Captain Pugwash with Seaman Staines, Master Bates, and Roger the Cabin Boy. None of it is true you know.
Sundays were dull. These were the days when TV schedulers believed that children should be sat around the Sunday dinner table with the family and playing in the park. It was so bad that you would look forward to Songs of Praise. No, actually, it was never that bad. There was always the Adentures of Black Beauty. It was always a bit girlie but at least there was Judy Bowker. The Christmas holidays were long, with only black and white Tarzan movies (Johnny Weissmuller) or Flash Gordon (Steve Holland) to accompany your home-made mince pie breakfasts. The summer holidays would have been unbearable without the Banana Splits and their friends – the Three Musketeers, the Arabian Nights and Danger Island.
Kids today? You don’t know what you are missing. What are your favourite TV shows from way back then?
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8 comments October 17, 2008
