The Poppy Appeal

The usual nonsense regarding the do’s and don’ts and the rights and wrongs about the annual Poppy Appeal has begun in earnest as we approach Remembrance Sunday. Well, in that comic the Sun at least, where they choose to berate the stars of Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing and big-up the X-Factor contestants – read about it here.

As I said last year, however, please ignore all the political correct rubbish that is spouted about the poppy, and, as it states here – wear it with pride.

PS. If you have found this site by searching on X Factor can I take this opportunity to plead for you to please, please, please vote to get John and Edwood (Jedward) out (or at least not to continue voting to keep them in). This is our national pride we are talking about here.

Too Fat To……?

Did you see the start of the new-look X-Factor at the weekend?

 It seems that Simon Cowell has successfully refreshed the finogueormat, recognising that most people enjoy the auditions more than the competition proper. There is the usual line up of judges – the brutally honest and open Cowell; the dated and out-of-touch Louis Walsh; the apparently botoxed-no-more, wrong Minogue sister (sigh Kylie); and, the gorgeous, heart-on-her-sleeve Geordie, Cheryl Cole. But, now the auditions are held in front of large, live audience – adding a big chunk of fear factor and instant audible feedback to proceedings.

As ever, there was the usual mix of untalented, out-of-tune wannabees. There were some who were obviously/hopefully doing it for a bet/laugh. And, there were a few uncomfortable moments when it felt that the great British public were having a laugh at the expense of the mentally ill – I am sure that a number of care institutions were missing a few inmates on the days of the auditions.

But, why oh why oh why oh why oh why do we continue to give airtime and media coverage to those lard-arses in the super-sized Chawner family?!?!?! Follow this link to the video but make sure you have a sick bag or other suitable receptacle to hand……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HxT2AuF1M0

This was the third year on the trot that talentless titan, Emma Chawner had auditioned for the show, but, this time, she brought her equally obese and untalented sister with her. I assume that they had the floor reinforced for the occasion. I wish they had provided ear plugs too.  I have heard foxes having sex that were easier on the ear.

Earlier this year, the Chawner family (83 combined stones of mom, dad, and two elephant princesses) were splashed across our tabloids (presumably double page spreads) defending their £22k in benefits on the basis that they were “too fat to work”. What?! Why?! Were they trying to induce sympathy from my fellow tax-payers and myself?

This family should be given media coverage. There should be posters around the country showing this family with slogans such as “If you are like this you will have your benefit removed”, “If you treat your children like this you will be prosecuted for child abuse”, “It’s not big and it’s not clever”, “Education is the way out”.

Now prepare for all those comments from bleeding-heart over-weight moaners and their defence of “big bones”, “medical condition”, “depression”, etc. Drag yourself off the sofa, get a life, do some exercise, and, above all, step away from the fridge!

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Kylie – sigh

Fat People

It is Summer – Today!

 

According to the rather attractive Sky News weather girl, Lucy Versamy, it is going to reach the heady heights of 28 to 30 degrees Celsius in the UK today. Consequently I am sporting my shorts, t-shirts and flip flops (thongs for any Aussies that pop by) and my knotted hankie and deck chair are at the ready. And, I am waiting.

To be honest, I am not hopeful. It looks a tad overcast out there at the mo and I am trying to entice the cat to sit on my lap to keep my knees warm. And, we were promised a “barbecue summer” by the Met Office some time back. And, it never materialised. Indeed, a few weeks back I had to bolster our flood defences……it has been October/November throughout the months of July/August in this small corner of Cheshire.

My resident conspiracy theorist, C,  claims that the “barbecue summer” claim was put about by the government to encourage people to take holidays at home or in the UK to boost the economy. For once, she may have been right.

But surely it will backfire next year – one fortnight bailing out of a leaking tent or sitting in a British seaside cafe nursing a mug of tea and soaking in the vinegar will surely prompt a mass exodus of the great unwashed to Costa Del Karaoke next year………

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It Rains Up North

The Troubles

So, another 21 policemen have been injured trying to keep Nationalists/Republicans and Protestant/Orangemen apart in various cities during the Northern Ireland marching season – read about it here.

Some claim that these “parades” are representative of Irish culture. While it is true that some marches commemorate such things as men lost in the battle of the Somme in the Great War, most celebrate various victories/atrocities dating back to the 17th century such as the Battle of the Boyne and the Siege of Derry. Strange “culture” that.

So, while places like South Africa try and heal their wounds through bodies like the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Northern Ireland continually rubs salt into very old wounds by marching to assert “control” over various parts of Northern Ireland or to remind “the other side” of past defeats.

Good idea! Perhaps we should declare our right to march through Berlin twice a year – the 8th of May and 11th November would be good for me. And we could perhaps stop off at Waterloo and/or Agincourt en route……..I’m sure our old enemies would welcome us with open arms.

Why do we allow such things to carry on in a supposedly modern and secular democracy?

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Stupid

Michael Jackson RIP

Now I know that there’s not much to do in Bridgend, Wales, on a wet summer’s day but come on! There was something wrong with the reaction of two middle-aged Welsh ladies when Sky News gave them free tickets to the Michael Jackson Memorial Concert this morning – read about it here. They acted like eleven year old girls at a Take That concert.

I simply do not understand all the adulation. Yes he was a good singer. Yes he was a fantastic dancer. And, yes, he was a brilliant performer. But, despite his Jesus-like performance at the 1996 Brit Awards (God bless you Jarvis Cocker – see it here), and to quote Monty Python, he was “not the Messiah” but “a very naughty boy!” This is a person who blew a large fortune. This is a person who, allegedly, abused his body with prescription pills. This is a person who definitely abused his body through surgery. This is a person who seemingly could not accept his colour or the ageing process. This is a person who, at best, acted inappropriately with small boys. Hardly a role model.

I am always amazed how the public adore those of us who are most flawed. Michael Jackson has received Jade Goody cum Princess Diana-like adulation since his sad and untimely death. I am just hoping that today’s funeral and the Memorial Concert will be the end of it. And, I hope that someone is looking after the giraffes at Neverland.

Michael, thanks for the music and I hope that, now, they’ll let you rest in peace.

One very strange side-effect of poor Michaels’ demsie is the number of people who appear to be finding my blog using the search “La Toya Jackson nude” or “La Toya Jackson naked”…..glad to see the real fans are still out there!

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Jade Goody

Where do they find them?

Now don’t get me wrong, I am all in favour of more Davina McCall on our TV sets, but, the return of Big Brother 10 is both compelling and appalling. Where do they get their candidates from? Are we truly that unintelligent as a nation?

Take last night when Karly (Scottish glamour model who likes to parade around in as little as possible and stand around on chairs a lot in the absence of a podium or pole) got involved in a discussion about languages. Karly declared that she spoke a bit of German and found the German language easier than others because they were grammatically the same (they say things in the same order). And, this was all because the Nazis had come here during the second world war! What? When? Who?

While she may have been correct about a shared origin of the two languages I think she will find that she was about fifteen hundred years or so out of time (unless you count such words as “hamburger” and the advertising slogan “Vorsprung durch Technik” and the fact that the “Queen’s English” is spoken by someone who used to be part of the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha dynastic line).

She was also incorrect about the grammatical similarities. Now it is a long, long, time since I passed my German “O-Level” (these were exams that we had in the 1980s before the onset of GCSEs. The main difference being that “O-Levels” were actually worth something ) but I seem to remember something about a German grammar rule of Time, Manner, Place which meant that the English sentence “I went to school early yesterday” would be written in German as “Yesterday, early to school went I”, or, in Karly’s case “I didn’t”.

Surely this will go down alongside Jade Goody’s (RIP) assertion that Norfolk was “abroad”……..

Mind you, it is not just reality TV contestants that seem to be lacking in grey matter. I recently endured a long flight from Manchester to Corfu during which the couple sat behind me demonstrated a complete lack of Geography “that must be France down there” topped off by the statement, on hearing that we had begun our decent to Corfu,  that “Good. It’ll start getting warmer on the plane now!” And, I thought most planes were equipped with something akin to air-conditioning……

Thank goodness for Davina.

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Ostrich Mentality

Some people really do like to bury their head in the sand and pretend that all is well with the world. Well, it ain’t!

Can you believe that the most complained about TV Advert during 2008 was an ad for Barnardos, the children charity? The ad was purposefully designed to shock in order to highlight domestic abuse and the impact on children. It stressed the need to break the circle of violence. Read more about it here.

You can view the ad on You Tube here (warning – if you live your life like an ostrich and bury your head at the first sign of trouble you WILL find this advert upsetting):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-b1Y1CrNWgU

Surely it is better to bring such things into the open; to talk about them; and, maybe to be more aware of disturbing behaviours in kids that might point at a need for help. Help which may save them from abuse. But no. In this country people seem to be more than content to bury their heads under their duvets. If they cannot see the monster under their bed then the monster can’t get them…….

The fact that nearly as many people complained about a car ad featuring a dog because they were concerned about the animal’s welfare just goes to show that there is something wrong in our society. We hide ourselves from child abuse but stand up for the poor down-trodden animals.

Something is wrong. So very wrong. Let’s live in the real world and change it for the better.

National Shame

This Government’s treatment of the Gurkha veterans is nothing short of a national disgrace (read about it here).

These brave warriors from the kingdom of Nepal have served the United kingdom with honour and distinction for more than 250 years. In the First World War alone some 200,000 Gurkhas fought across the globe, suffering 20,000 casualties and earning over 2,000 bravery awards. In all conflicts since serving this country since 1857 there have been 26 Victoria Crosses awarded to Gurkha soldiers.

My own uncle, then an RSM in the Royal Marines (serving onboard HMS Belfast) fought alongside the Gurkhas in the Korean War and could not speak highly enough about his comrades in arms.

And yet, our Government refuses to grant the veterans unconditional equality on pensions and residency rights with other British Army veterans claiming that we would be inundated with veterans draining our resources and over-burdening the NHS. So, while we continue to turn a blind eye to illegal immigrants, have given carte blanche to members of the European Union and seem unable to stem the steady increase in economic migrants and political refugees, we seem unable to look after our own. Unable to look after those who were prepared to and indeed have sacrificed everything in the service of our Queen and country. Shame on you Gordon Brown. Shame on you Britain.

Please follow this link to the Campaign for Justice being lead by Joanna Lumley and sign the petition.

UPDATE – GOOD NEWS

Ministers defeated in Gurkha vote

The rules on Gurkhas entering the UK were changed last week The government has lost a Commons vote on its policy of restricting the right of former Gurkhas to settle in the UK. MPs voted by 267 to 246 in favour of a Lib Dem motion that the government should extend an equal right of residence to all Gurkhas. Earlier Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said the current policy, announced by the government last week, was “shameful”. Gordon Brown said earlier he wanted justice for the Gurkhas but any policy change had to be affordable.

Recycling Madness

A red sticker appeared on my grey household waste bin this week stating that I could no longer use my HOUSEHOLD WASTE bin for:

• Paper
• Cardboard
• Plastics
• Glass
• Cans
• Textiles

I already have a brown bin for my garden waste and compostable goods.

This begs the question – what on Earth can I use my grey household waste bin for?

My grey bin used to be collected once a week. It would often be full. I am sure that I will soon be advised that my grey bin will only be collected once a fortnight. And, frankly, this will make perfect sense for it will be empty. It will be empty for I am not allowed to put anything in it which might pass for the normal definition of  “household waste”.

My problem is that all other “bins” are collected only once a fortnight and that the single “bin” that I have for each variety – blue for bottles,  jars and cans; brown for garden waste; red for plastics; green for paper and cardboard – is insufficient for my demand. 

I live in Cheshire for heavens sake, my two weekly consumption of wine means that the blue bin is overflowing even before I get to the empty tins of chopped tomatoes with basil and chick peas. It takes me two hours to cut the lawn so you can be sure that the brown bin is full. And, just a single Sunday Times complete with magazines and other inserts is sufficient to fill a green bag.

And, I resent the fact that I have to further damage the environment by washing everything out before inserting it into each of the multi-coloured bins (all of which clash terribly with the kitchen decor!) just in case the bin man was to get his hands dirty…….

But at least the cat is happy – he won’t have as far to go to get his fill of mice, rats, flies, wasps and other such vermin.

And, why do they make all of the recycling bins out of plastic? How on Earth will we dispose of them when they have worn out?

Seriously though, can someone tell me what I can put in my grey bin?

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Electric Cars

So, Grumpy Gordon Brown wants us all to buy and drive electric cars?Indeed, he is willing to incentivise us up to £5,000 to make his dream of “Electric Cities” come true – read about it here.

I don’t think so.

You would have to pay me more than £5,000 to fund the disguise I would need to wear so as not to be seen driving one of these Noddy Cars, or, to fund the therapy costs if I were to be discovered. Well I guess I might consider a Tesla Roadster (0 to 62mph in less than 4 seconds and a top speed of 130mph) but I am not sure that Gordon’s generosity would bring it within my price range (>£87,000), and to be honest, I have only just ditched the Audi TT as impractical.

Now I recognise that the technology is improving but it would have to improve a great deal more to pursuade me out of my Q5. In particular there are some well-publicised downsides:

1) Charging – at the moment it would seem that it would take me a couple of hours to charge my electric car, which is a bit of a bugger if you have forgotten to plug it in overnight. It would easily spoil your cornflakes as you attempted to rush out the door on your way to that career-making meeting in the morning.

2) Range – at the moment it would seem that I would struggle to drive to the pub at the bottom of our road without recharging

3) Speed – and I certainly wouldn’t be able to outrun the police and their pesky breathalysers on the way back from the pub

4) Safety – and because they are so slow you are sure to be mown down by a Polish HGV driver texting while driving and the typical electric vehicle offers as much crash protection as a St Christopher medal i.e. limited to the power of prayer

5) Environmental impact – electric cars may have zero emissions but until we get the national grid and the power stations sorted we will all die as a result of the additional coal that needs to be burned to generate the additional electricity required

6) Sexism – not to mention that we would have stranded women drivers all over the place. It is well known that the fairer sex is incapable of changing a fuse on a plug.

7) Urban v Rural strife – yet again Gormless Gordon seems to be favouring the cities over the countryside with his Electric City dream. This is all well and good if you live in a city, but, I don’t. It may be more help if they invested in a sensible rural public transport infrastructure. My nearest bus is two and a half miles walk away, it only comes on Tuesday and Friday, and doesn’t go anywhere I would like to go, except Waitrose.

So until the technology, the performance, the infrastructure, and the design improves you will just have to eat my exhaust emissions.

This post was sponsored by Shell International.