A little bit of what you fancy……..

Whatever happened to a little bit of what you fancy does you good? Why is staying alive so complicated? Apparently it is not just the booze, cigarettes and hard drugs that will do for you these days.

No. You are doomed if you fail to eat seven portions of fruit and vegetables a day. And, mind you, they can’t be the wrong kind of fruit. Too much fructose will get you in the end. An early date at the pearly gate will be your destiny if you don’t consume twice your own body weight in water. Pure, unsullied, mineral water taken from source in the cupped palms of virgins.

Just five minutes in the world of Google will give you the recipe to longevity. All it takes is being happily married (tick), owning a cat (tick), red wine in moderation (hmmmn), avoiding caffeine and sugar (oops), not eating after six thirty in the evening (oh dear), eating breakfast (does a packet of cheese and onion crisps count?), doing two and a half hours exercise per week (who has the time?), avoiding stress (get real), and getting seven to eight hours sleep every night (I wish), and flossing (who can be bothered)……..

The problem with all this is that the advice is often contradictory and confusing. There are good sugars and bad sugars. There are good fats and bad fats. Red wine in moderation is good, but too much is bad. Too much exercise can be bad and sleeping at the wrong time is a definite no no.

I jest not. The afternoon nap is a killer. It increases the risk of premature death by one third and is responsible for such ailments as bronchitis, emphysema and pneumonia! It is almost as bad for you as sitting down. Armchairs, sofas and office chairs are lethal. Sitting down too much is responsible for cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure, strokes and type two diabetes. I read about it in the Daily Mail so it must be true. There is also something called “seated immobility syndrome”, the first case of which involved a 24 year old who had to have surgery to remove clots in his legs after sitting and playing video games for a mere eighty hours straight.

And so I am doomed. The only things in my favour are that I am married and own a cat. And, I do the Times concise crossword every day. Unfortunately though my wife smokes (and I do passively as a consequence) and I am allergic to the cat. And I can’t do the crossword standing up. I can’t drink the water because the property is serviced via lead pipes. I have a stressful job which means I am often sleep deprived, and it is a job which requires me to travel often, in economy, to the far flung quarters of the Earth with DVT lurking around every corner.

So here I sit, on my sofa, cat beside me, just wishing it was late enough to open a bottle of red to take the edge off, having just woken up from my afternoon nap after my lunch of bacon sandwich and brown sauce. Doomed!