Happy Mother’s Day
I felt a little uneasy at the Mother’s Day lunch at my mother-in-law’s in Royston Vasey this weekend……
Now don’t get me wrong, I get on very well with my mother-in-law and with the other guests – one of my favourite (of three) sister-in-laws and her husband, who always makes me look good . The mood was a little giddy from the start, with my sister-in-law and her hubby (who always makes me look good) back in the UK for the first time since moving to Bangkok in December last year. But after a bottle of bubbles and a half bottle of red, the tone of the conversation deteriorated rapidly.
And, for a change, it was neither me nor he-who-makes-me-look-good, that lowered the tone. No, it was my better half, C, who dragged us to somewhere I was uncomfortable going, when she introduced the concept of “Having Tickets”. You see, after getting married – twenty years in September – and following my close sexual encounters with Sarah Lancashire and Julia Roberts, C and I decided to draw some boundaries. And so we have given each other tickets – we have agreed named individuals for whom we have permission, if presented with the opportunity, to sleep with, without any repercussions.
Now it seems that the rules have shifted recently without me being informed. My ticket was for Kylie Minogue, who is sex on a stick. And, I understood that C’s ticket was for Sting. But it seems that not only has Sting been removed from C’s ticket list since the whole tantric lute playing thing, but that her list has got longer. George Clooney is now on that list together with Daniel Craig, with C claiming that we are now allowed up to five people!?!
And so, I was invited to name my additional four. I declined, claiming I would stick with Kylie and hoping that my face would not betray the thoughts of various news presenters, weather girls, Countryfile presenters, and other fanciable celebrities that had flashed through my mind. Don’t they read my blog? So many to choose from. This is a decision that should be given due consideration and not rushed over the lunch table in front of your mother-in-law.
I think that the same thought had occurred to my brother-in-law, although to be fair he has only been married for a year. He played his cards close and was tactically astute. He claimed tickets for Ali Macgraw, but only as she was when starring in Love Story, aged 31. His wife seemed much more enthusiastic about the concept, and as well as stealing all the blokes on my own wife’s list, added Steve McQueen, even though he has been dead for thirty-three years, and at least half of the current French rugby union team.
More worrying still was the enthusiasm with which my mother-in-law took to the concept. A devout Catholic, she declared her sexual attraction for Gorgeous George – Archbishop Georg Ganswein – the secretary to Pope Benedict. She got quite excited about it all. Now, having your mother-in-law share her sexual fantasies is bound to make you feel a little queasy. I may be a bit of a prude but I do think that there are certain boundaries that mother-in-laws should keep around their sons-in-law. And, this weekend they were well-and-truly crossed….
It is a terrible thing, the Baileys!
Entry filed under: middleman. Tags: Bruce Willis, Countryfile, Daniel Craig, ellie harrison, Georg Ganswein, george clooney, Gorgeous George, julia bradbury, julia roberts, kylie minogue, milf, mother-in-law, Mothers Day, Royston Vasey, Sarah Lancashire, Steve McQueen, tantric, tickets.