Top Searches

About a year ago I wrote a post commenting on the strange searches that people had used to find my site – you can read about it here.

Well, I am glad to say that I still seem to be popular with a certain demographic. Today’s top ten searches were:

• Kat Deeley (note the American spelling thereof)
• Louise Minchin stockings
• Claudia Winkleman nude
• Anthea Turner
• Kylie Minogue nu-di-ty (why the hyphens?)
• Poppy Appeal
• Banana Splits
• Cat Deeley nude
• Nude celebrities
• Christine Bleakley nude

While I personally am disappointed at the demise of Sally James in school uniform, I guess this at least explains the success of Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing and Dancing With The Stars. Methinks it also provides a certain insight into the inner thoughts of men in their mid-forties. Dirty boys!

If you have found this post through one of these searches please feel free to use the search box top right to find the specific post you are looking for. Knock yourself out!

The Poppy Appeal

The usual nonsense regarding the do’s and don’ts and the rights and wrongs about the annual Poppy Appeal has begun in earnest as we approach Remembrance Sunday. Well, in that comic the Sun at least, where they choose to berate the stars of Celebrity Strictly Come Dancing and big-up the X-Factor contestants – read about it here.

As I said last year, however, please ignore all the political correct rubbish that is spouted about the poppy, and, as it states here – wear it with pride.

PS. If you have found this site by searching on X Factor can I take this opportunity to plead for you to please, please, please vote to get John and Edwood (Jedward) out (or at least not to continue voting to keep them in). This is our national pride we are talking about here.

Only in America 2

They are at it again! Mind you, I can tell you a thing or two about neighbours – read about it here.

Only in Holland

I saw this article in the Sunday Times yesterday. It reminded me of the “joys” of bitte ballen. The Dutch are even less foodie than us Brits. Mind you, Rotterdam is a special place – read about it here.

Only In America

Girls In Uniform

I knew that using this title would get someone’s attention……..

I was back at the hospital yesterday. With my ears. Well, that might be kind of obvious – I guess I should have said, “for my ears” and the ongoing attempts to get them right following my operation last February and various different infections since then.

I am very appreciative of the service I receive from the NHS – America wake up and listen to Obama! – but I did not appreciate the hour and ten minutes wait in the pharmacy. The reception at the pharmacy was staffed by two ladies of a certain age. I promise you, they were like something straight out of a Les Dawson sketch. They WERE Cissie Braithwaite and Ada Shufflebotham personified. But without the headscarves….

They did make the time pass somewhat more amusingly. Normally I wait patiently (how apt) trying to spot one of the several attractive young pharmacists that work in the department as they busy themselves collecting potions, lotions, pills and bandages in the background. I think it is back to that thing I have for women in uniform – air stewardesses, dental nurses, Avon ladies and the like. I am not sure why I have a thing about ladies in uniform. It certainly pre-dates the policewoman stripogram that my petrol station dealers gave me as a leaving present. It may have had something to do with Miss Diane in the original Crossroads I suppose……..but I digress.

Clearly Cissie and Ada were volunteering. I cannot imagine that they were being paid to receive their customers. They were having far too much fun. They were there for the company and to entertain the various people waiting for their drugs – fat people, old people, people with damaged limbs, people with hacking coughs, and, kids in school uniform who looked like the Cheshire Cat having been allowed to skip class on the first day back at school.

Cissie and Ada talked loudly. They must have done. Even through my infected ears, my perforated ear drum, my ointment plug and wads of cotton wool, I managed to catch every word of their conversation. They were doing the crossword. They were doing it badly. “Helicopter moving part, four letters”, says Cissie. “Blade” says Ada.  “A thread, six letters ending in d” says Ada.  “Cotton” says Cissie. This went on for a good forty five minutes or so until one waiting patient volunteered the answers “rota” and “strand”. “Oh, we’ve done it. We’ve finished. We’re cleverer than we look.” exclaimed Ada to Cissie, ignoring the fact that they had been helped somewhat.

Cissie and Ada greeted every patient with the same message. It could have been a script from Little Britain. ”Do you want to get a coffee? Computer is down. It’ll be a good fifteen minutes to wait.” Regulars would take their advice. They would go for a coffee in the cafe run by the Friends of Leighton. Or they would go to get their blood test done. Or, mostly, they would go to have a “quick fag”. Anyone over 60 would be invited to share Cissie and Ada’s thoughts on how we are “too dependent upon computers these days” and how “young people today wouldn’t know how to run a reception without a computer to rely on”. And, neither did they.

Cissie and Ada decided that they needed to share their mobile phone numbers with each other, producing brick-shaped objects that would not have been out of place on the set of “Wall Street”. Cissie, who wouldn’t know how to turn a computer on, didn’t know how to program a number into her phone. Ada, walked her through the process in excruciating detail, making several errors on the way and oblivious to the growing queue of infirm people clutching prescriptions and desperate to escape for another cigarette.

My stay was a little longer than fifteen minutes. This was due to the fact that the pharamcist had to check with the consultant that he really meant me to put an unlicensed lotion normally prescribed for bad knees into my right ear, and, because they needed to go back to the ward I had just left to get some of the ointment that I needed for my left ear. Apparently, the hospital pharmacy didn’t stock it because it only comes from Australia. As you can see, we are at the experimental stage in the treatment of my ears……

But, my drugs were finally dispensed and by a very attractive brunette with an East European accent and a nice white uniform. So, it was worth the wait.

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Too Fat To……?

Did you see the start of the new-look X-Factor at the weekend?

 It seems that Simon Cowell has successfully refreshed the finogueormat, recognising that most people enjoy the auditions more than the competition proper. There is the usual line up of judges – the brutally honest and open Cowell; the dated and out-of-touch Louis Walsh; the apparently botoxed-no-more, wrong Minogue sister (sigh Kylie); and, the gorgeous, heart-on-her-sleeve Geordie, Cheryl Cole. But, now the auditions are held in front of large, live audience – adding a big chunk of fear factor and instant audible feedback to proceedings.

As ever, there was the usual mix of untalented, out-of-tune wannabees. There were some who were obviously/hopefully doing it for a bet/laugh. And, there were a few uncomfortable moments when it felt that the great British public were having a laugh at the expense of the mentally ill – I am sure that a number of care institutions were missing a few inmates on the days of the auditions.

But, why oh why oh why oh why oh why do we continue to give airtime and media coverage to those lard-arses in the super-sized Chawner family?!?!?! Follow this link to the video but make sure you have a sick bag or other suitable receptacle to hand……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HxT2AuF1M0

This was the third year on the trot that talentless titan, Emma Chawner had auditioned for the show, but, this time, she brought her equally obese and untalented sister with her. I assume that they had the floor reinforced for the occasion. I wish they had provided ear plugs too.  I have heard foxes having sex that were easier on the ear.

Earlier this year, the Chawner family (83 combined stones of mom, dad, and two elephant princesses) were splashed across our tabloids (presumably double page spreads) defending their £22k in benefits on the basis that they were “too fat to work”. What?! Why?! Were they trying to induce sympathy from my fellow tax-payers and myself?

This family should be given media coverage. There should be posters around the country showing this family with slogans such as “If you are like this you will have your benefit removed”, “If you treat your children like this you will be prosecuted for child abuse”, “It’s not big and it’s not clever”, “Education is the way out”.

Now prepare for all those comments from bleeding-heart over-weight moaners and their defence of “big bones”, “medical condition”, “depression”, etc. Drag yourself off the sofa, get a life, do some exercise, and, above all, step away from the fridge!

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Kylie – sigh

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It is Summer – Today!

 

According to the rather attractive Sky News weather girl, Lucy Versamy, it is going to reach the heady heights of 28 to 30 degrees Celsius in the UK today. Consequently I am sporting my shorts, t-shirts and flip flops (thongs for any Aussies that pop by) and my knotted hankie and deck chair are at the ready. And, I am waiting.

To be honest, I am not hopeful. It looks a tad overcast out there at the mo and I am trying to entice the cat to sit on my lap to keep my knees warm. And, we were promised a “barbecue summer” by the Met Office some time back. And, it never materialised. Indeed, a few weeks back I had to bolster our flood defences……it has been October/November throughout the months of July/August in this small corner of Cheshire.

My resident conspiracy theorist, C,  claims that the “barbecue summer” claim was put about by the government to encourage people to take holidays at home or in the UK to boost the economy. For once, she may have been right.

But surely it will backfire next year – one fortnight bailing out of a leaking tent or sitting in a British seaside cafe nursing a mug of tea and soaking in the vinegar will surely prompt a mass exodus of the great unwashed to Costa Del Karaoke next year………

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It Rains Up North

Hollywood Re-writes History

So, apparently our kids are growing up and learning a Hollywood version of history which is not factual! Read about it here.

It seems that our American cousins are sometimes re-writing history to show the USA in a good light – if you look at most American WWII films you would think that they won it on their own and would have done so a lot quicker if they were not constantly distracted by rescuing us poor Brits….and let’s not even start on U571.

I would like to think that this is not deliberate Soviet-style re-writing of history. No, more likely it is driven from a desire to tell a good story. Or, it could be based upon a lack of awareness of the world outside of America and a lack of knowledge of historical facts.

I once sat in an airport lounge in Athens in 1992 or so and “overheard” a conversation between two very large American businessmen. I say “overheard” but it was clear from the volume of their conversation that they felt a strong need to share their wisdom with the entire lounge. They were talking about the Bosnia-Croatia-Serbia conflict that was raging in the former Yugoslavia…..or at least I think they were. The conversation went something like this (to be read in a southern American drawl) – “Ya’ll heard about this war in Czechoslovakia? Jeez, that would be like Kentucky going to war with Virginia!” In retrospect I think that probably sums up the troubled history of the Balkans pretty well

To be honest though, I am not sure that being flexible with historical fact is restricted to our friends across the pond. I am not sure that the UK’s first venture into Afghanistan was successful because a Scottish regiment lifted their skirts (I know they’re called kilts) as in Carry On Up The Khyber…….

The Troubles

So, another 21 policemen have been injured trying to keep Nationalists/Republicans and Protestant/Orangemen apart in various cities during the Northern Ireland marching season – read about it here.

Some claim that these “parades” are representative of Irish culture. While it is true that some marches commemorate such things as men lost in the battle of the Somme in the Great War, most celebrate various victories/atrocities dating back to the 17th century such as the Battle of the Boyne and the Siege of Derry. Strange “culture” that.

So, while places like South Africa try and heal their wounds through bodies like the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Northern Ireland continually rubs salt into very old wounds by marching to assert “control” over various parts of Northern Ireland or to remind “the other side” of past defeats.

Good idea! Perhaps we should declare our right to march through Berlin twice a year – the 8th of May and 11th November would be good for me. And we could perhaps stop off at Waterloo and/or Agincourt en route……..I’m sure our old enemies would welcome us with open arms.

Why do we allow such things to carry on in a supposedly modern and secular democracy?

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Stupid